I walked into the locker room quietly and joined the team I’d bonded with. I loved them all so much but there was one in particular who held my attention above all. Sidney Crosby, my future husband. Literally. The ring on my finger told the whole world just how much I loved him. I smiled to myself as he called me over and I went across the room, saying a pleasant hello to Jordan and Maxy on my way.
“Hey honey.” he said, kissing my head with a hollow tone deep in his voice. I loved him, that much was very true, but lately we’d been having some problems. Ever since we’d gotten engaged this had been the norm. Hollow hellos and empty kisses. And as much as it hurt we’d been growing apart. I couldn’t tell why. Maybe it was the media attention on us or the force of how short of a time it had been between the engagement and our start of dating. I tried to over look it, tried to get past it, but as much as I tried something wasn’t right. We both felt it.
“Hey, Siddy.” I whispered, feeling a sudden sadness as his eyes met mine and I didn’t feel a spark. I felt a love but it wasn’t the one we’d felt earlier in our relationship. It had faded into the nothingness; into the black that outlined those chocolate brown eyes.
When everyone had left the room I sat opposite to him, head in my hands as I thought about everything that had happened to us in the last six months. We’d met, we’d fallen in love, we gotten engaged and now we were sitting in the doghouse knowing we’d made a huge mistake. We’d gone too fast.
“Do you feel that we’re…….. growing apart?” Sid asked with an empty tone, trying to not seem hollow but failing. He was trying really hard not to just come out and say it because he, as well as I, didn’t really want to admit that this six month love was over.
“Yeah… I kinda do, Siddy. What happened?” I returned his question, looking up at him over my hands. I’d take the ring off and I now peered into it as though it’d give me the answer to my problems. And it, as well as we, didn’t have the answer.
“We were so in love before… I don’t know what happened, babe. I still love you, don’t get me wrong it’s just…” he started, at a sudden loss for words.
“Different?” I whispered, finally looking up at him with eyes that I knew showed my confusion as well as my understanding. We were both, at least, in the same predicament.
“Yeah. And I don’t want it to be but it won’t change. And I met a girl….” he whispered, “We haven’t dated but I just feel a spark…. It’s hard to explain it. I love you so much but this isn’t good for either of us…..” he was quiet for a minute, as was I as I processed everything. “Please tell me you feel the same way. I don’t want to have just crushed another girl.”
“Yeah.. I think you really sum it up well, Sid. You always had a way with words.” I chuckled drying, staring back into the ring again, “And I’m so glad you found someone and that you feel something like that. Something like what we had, maybe better. I love you too, Sid, don’t worry. And I know this isn’t good for us. We could only do this long enough to see if it’d work out. We see it won’t. It’s fine. So we’ve just discovered something about ourselves. At least we’re both in the same boat.”
“You’re right, I guess.” he chuckled again, “This wasn’t a time in my life I’d ever see coming. Getting almost married. That’s a curve I didn’t avoid well. No offense to you,” he defended himself quickly, something he’d learned from me I was sure, “You were amazing. You are amazing. And I know you’re gonna find someone. I’m sorry it couldn’t be me.”
“I’m sorry too..” I whispered more to myself than to him. He sighed heavily, obviously not hearing me but waiting for a reply. When one didn’t come he improvised an answer of his own to try to provoke response.
“I promise I’ll always be here for you. You can call me anytime. Same as always. And when you find someone or if you need help, just come find me. You know where I am.” he said comfortingly, finally coming over to where I was sitting, swimming in a field of emotions. I smiled fakely and obviously he took the bait.
“Yep. Well from here where do we go?” I asked. He smiled and kissed my forehead for what would probably be one of the last times.
“We go to my house for dinner and to then yours so I can get my stuff. From there we go to a great friendship that’ll never be broken.” he promised, though I was still uncertain after everything that had happened if he was sincere. We went about the rest of our nights in relative comfortable chattiness afterwards though. It seemed that agreeing that we weren’t right for each other was the smartest thing we’d done since we’d met. It’d take a miracle for me to be happy again, though.
And a few weeks later I couldn’t exactly remember why I had been so worked up about losing him. Maybe it was that the media had ripped me to shreds and destroyed what little dignity I had left. Maybe it was that Sidney and his other girl had been increasingly close lately and that had flooded the news or maybe it was just because I had time enough to think it over and be done with it. Maybe it was that I was pulling double shifts at the hospital all week too.
I’d been working as a nurse most of my life. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t wanted to help people and working at the children’s hospital had been the greatest decision I’d ever made. Some of the ones that followed that, like dating Sidney after we’d met one day a while back when the Mario Lemieux Playroom Foundation had given a charity event to some of our terminal kids, hadn‘t been so wondrous.
I sighed and ran through rooms doing checks, smiling as each of my kids sat up and greeted me with a smile through what had to have been the worst pain they’d ever felt. I really felt for these kids. They were so sweet and innocent and most of them didn’t deserve the hand that God had dealt them. Cancer, Leukemia, tumors. I greeted them all with hope and smiles and informed them all that ’Santa’ was coming. They were all so young. Their faces lit up when the words Christmas and Santa were even mentioned. Most of my charges were under the age of seven. It was hard but really rewarding. Some of my kids had lived and beaten it. Others had been tragedies and had passed on.
As soon as I left the last room I went to the Nurse’s station to sign back in for my second shift. I’d been here since the early hours of the morning, a meek one o’ clock. I must’ve looked a mess in my scrubs with my hair tied up in a messy bun and my eyeliner rubbing off. I knew I had to look about as bad as I felt. One of my patients, a boy by the name of Michael, was slowly deteriorating to nothing. I’d seen him this morning and he couldn’t even sit up. When the Pens got here for gifts I’d have to make sure he was close to first. He’d be out cold long before he even knew what was happening.
I saw Joy, Paige, and Karen coming over. Each of us would be taking a group to our charges. I was silently praying that Sidney didn’t end up with my group. I knew that Joy was silently praying the exact opposite. She was ten years my senior, thirty four, and was increasingly infatuated with Sid since we had broken our relationship off. Karen, thirty years her senior at sixty four, could really have cared less about it all. Paige was the oldest of us all, and we weren’t exactly sure how many years she had on any of us, but we knew she was happily married.
I watched the bus pull up and a few people get out. I recognized them all. Jordan Staal, Max Talbot, Sid, Matt Cooke, Tyler Kennedy, Pascal Dupuis, Kris Letang, Geno Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, Brooks Orpik, Craig Adams, Billy Geurin, Chris Kunitz, Jay Mckee, Alex Gologoski, and Eric Godard. I’d really stopped watching them all get off after Sidney but I noticed their voices as they came in and said hello, dragging large carts of toys in behind them. I smiled as I watched Joy getting her wish come true. Geno, Sid, TK and Brooks followed her away. Billy G, Kunitz and Gogo followed Paige. Matt, Pascal, Kris, Craig and Jay followed Karen away and I was left with the ragtag bunch of Marc-Andre, Jordan, Max and Eric.
“These kids are going to be so happy to see you guys.” I said, smiling. I was happy to be back in the comfort of Marc, Jordy and Maxy; all of whom I’d become close with as Sid and I had dated. I hadn’t seen them all since we’d broken off our engagement. It was mostly because I just didn’t feel like talking to Sidney about it and I was sick of hearing ‘I’m sorry for you guys’.
“I hope so. I didn’t get to dress down for nothing!” Max said in a jolly tune, jumping up and down in a happy little way. I laughed as I lead them away to Melissa’s room. Jordan and Max went in after a little intro from me and Marc wandered off to see Justin playing air hockey. I was left with a man by the name of Godard. Mind you Eric had never really been unpleasant to look at and I’d fancied taking sideways glances at him occasionally but it had never been on my mind to speak with him too much. He’d always seemed pretty nice when I’d listened to him joking with Sid but I’d never really had a chance to talk to him. He was always either gone or left out of things Sidney did. The life of an enforcer was nothing comparative with the life of a high scorer. I felt a little sympathy for him. It was kind of like my life here in the hospital.
“So,” his rough voice was enough to make me listen to him immediately, “Who can I visit?” his happiness was dancing in his eyes. He was so excited to be here and he was really dedicated to it. There wasn’t anything I think he wanted to be doing more. I smiled at him and he smiled back. My heart jumped.
“Well, if you don’t mind being patient, I have a kid by the name of Michael who adores you.” I said. His smile broke even wider and he looked over the rack of toys, taking stock of everything with a careful eye.
“What does Michael have?” he asked softly, seeming a little hurt to ask it. I’d never expected that to come out of his mouth. Usually no one considered that.
“He’s got muscle degeneration. Lou Garegs. He’s hell on a play station.” I joked, smiling as Eric laughed deeply.
“I see.” he said, picking up the only copy on the rack of NHL ‘10. I smiled as he turned his gaze at me. “Where’s he?”
“Come on.” I said, turning on my heels after glancing into the other rooms and leading him away to the end door on the right, one I’d often turned into late at night to check on Michael. He was fading fast and I spent most all of my nights with him. He was like my own child at this point in his life, being here since he was three. I spent more time with him than his mother because of her work and his father was out of the picture. I felt a bond with him.
“Bernie!” he screamed from his bed, beaming as I pushed open the door. He was playing his outdated version of NHL 06 as I came in.
“Hi Michael. I have a surprise for you.” I said, feeling butterflies in my stomach as he smiled wider.
“What is it? Did Santa come?!” he asked happily. If his legs would have been more mobile he would’ve been out of bed tackling me.
“Better than that. I brought a person.” I said, earning a delighted squeak as Eric came through the door. He was smiling almost as wide as Michael was.
“Eric Godard! Oh my God! Er… Godard!” he said, making Eric laugh a real laugh.
“Hey. Nice to meet you.” Eric said, offering his hand. I knew when Michael took it that Eric immediately felt just how weak he was. I’d tweaked the controller on the play station to sense his movements so that he didn’t have to press very hard to play. He was so weak. “I brought you a Christmas present bud. But you have to look that way.”
Michael couldn’t contain his joy as he looked away, holding in a squeal of glee. Eric was silent and quick as he sat the game down in Michael’s lap. I knew as soon as his eyes hit it that he was the happiest child in the ward in his own little way.
“Oh my god! I was hopin for this! I asked Santa for it and everything! How did yous know?!” he asked, looking up at Eric with a childish wonder that I never got tired of seeing in his eyes. Eric laughed.
“An angel told me.” he joked, winking in my direction. I felt my cheeks flush but managed to hold in a laugh as I watched Michael’s eyes tear up a little. I brought over a box of tissues but I knew he couldn’t lift his arms that much. He was weak from not sleeping. I wiped them for him, taking no notice of Eric’s eyes on me. Beautiful green blue eyes I might add. As soon as I’d moved Michael was on Eric with questions.
“I always see you fighting. You don’t like hurting those peoples do you?” he asked, staring up at Eric like he’d just met the greatest guy in the world.
“No I don’t really. I’d much rather be out there scoring goals or blocking shots but it’s my job. You do what you can to help the team.” he answered, sitting down on the edge of Michael’s bed.
“I gots a Godard jersey last Kissmas.” he said, face splitting as Eric laughed, “I wear it for every game cause I always hopes you get a goal.”
“Thanks, Mikey.” he said, earning a squeak at the sound of a nickname that was sincere from Eric, “I hope I get a goal every night too but it never happens.”
“I think it will! I knows it will! Cause you’re Godsy! You can beat peoples up but you’re like Godzilla! You can do goods and bad! You can do it!” Michael said animatedly, sitting up in bed a little too quickly and almost pulling his IV out. I fixed it and he sighed. “Sorry, Bernzies.” he whispered. I smiled and he kept going. “Will you sign my jersey for me?”
“Sure. Where is it?” Eric asked, whipping out a marker he’d been carrying with him in his Santa hat. Michael pointed to a stand beside his bed that was just out of his reach. It held on it most of his medicine, which was almost a pharmacy in itself, his Godard jersey, a Penguins cup and some random memorabilia. Eric got up and signed the jersey, putting a large smiley face under it. Michael was half crying again and I wiped his face this time with my fingers.
“Thank you so much!” he squealed, hugging his jersey to his chest as hard as he could.
“You’re so welcome bud. I hope you have a great Christmas. That game’s suppose to be really awesome. I hope you like it.” Eric said, ruffling Michael’s hair. Michael smiled so wide I thought his face would break and opened his arms. Eric hugged him for a minute before letting go. Michael was speechless as he looked down at his present and his jersey and we walked out unnoticed.
The other guys hadn’t come out of their rooms yet but that was alright. I stood with Eric, who watched through the door to see Michael still freaking out with himself over what had just happened.
“He’s so cute.” he said finally, smiling, “But it’s so sad to see him so weak like that. How long has he been here?”
“He’s been here for four years. I took him in and I try to make sure he gets what he wants and needs but it’s so hard. He’s really going downhill fast.” I commented sadly.
“Well with someone like you taking care of him I can’t see what else he’d ever want.” he commented more to himself than to me. I smiled sheepishly, looking away. “I hope he goes peacefully. It’s really sad.”
“I’m just glad he got to meet you. He’s always telling me about how awesome your fights are and about how much he always wished he could meet you and talk to you. You have no idea what this means to him. I’ve had to look up so many of your fights it’s not even funny. Youtube got sick of my searches.” I joked, laughing with him.
“And what did you think?” he asked, walking down the hall with me as the kids Jordan Max and Marc had been visiting came out to play air hockey at the table. Eric stood back with me and watched as they went on. I glanced in to see Michael playing NHL ‘10 excitedly, naming his file Godardzilla, as he always did. “Well?” Eric asked again. I’d forgotten he’d asked me a question.
“I thought you were really brilliant.” I said finally after a minute of thought. “You’re really good at what you do.”
“Thanks.” he said, “But that’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” I asked, confused. He smiled to himself and looked down a little bit, pulling me back towards the hall where the laughter of the kids and Sidney’s piercing shrieks couldn’t be heard as well.
“It’s not what you thought of my fights I wanted to know about.” he said thoughtfully, glancing over our heads to the doorway aimlessly, avoiding my gaze.
“What did you mean then?” I asked again, still a little lost. He chuckled a deep laugh and made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My heart skipped again.
“What do you think of me?” he asked, a nervous line creasing his face a little as he slouched down in attempt to relax.
“You? I think you’re a pretty amazing person. I mean you really defend your team and you’ve got some real potential if you worked a little harder. You’re obviously wonderful with kids and you really want to do good. I admire you.” I said easily. He seemed a bit let down, “Why?”
“Well I sort of- no this is stupid. Never mind.” he said, turning away and trying to get back to where we’d been. I was lost in curiosity now. Or maybe it was just his eyes.
“No no, what did you want to say?” I asked quietly, trapped almost immediately by those green blue eyes. It was then that I remembered exactly why it was that I hadn’t talked to him much; hadn’t interacted. I’d known even then that he was different. He wasn’t just another guy in that locker room. He was a very charming, attractive, wonderful person. I hadn’t talked to him because I was living in a world that revolved around Sidney and somehow I’d known then that talking to Eric would’ve thrown the planet into reverse orbit. Oh but now I was reveling in my head spinning from my heart jumping beats.
“I always really….. Thought you were a great person. And I never really liked that Sidney wasn’t really fully committed and I always kind of thought you deserved better than him but you were happy so I didn’t say anything and now that you’re not with him it seemed about the right time to tell you that I…” he started, trailing off as he looked away, breaking the hold he had over me.
“You what…?” I said, voice lost even to myself. He shook his head a little but I took his hand, making him look back. “You what?”
He looked away a little embarrassed, and sheepishly finished, “That I loved you.” I was a little stunned and I glanced down and away from him. “See, I didn’t tell you because I knew you didn’t feel that way towards me and I was just hoping that if I didn’t say anything it’d go away but it won’t.” he finished quickly. I was quiet for a minute or two before I heard Michael laughing from inside his room. He’d heard the whole thing happening and now he was staring through the glass, eyes fixated on something above us. I looked up and saw the mistletoe I’d hung there myself only a few hours ago. Every time I brought him through the door I gave him a kiss on the head. He loved it.
“That’s the sweetest thing I think anyone has ever said to me.” I told him with a smile. He returned it, “And if we’re talking about what I think of you that way. I’ve always had a thing for the underdog. I cheered for you when you went out and when you didn’t make goals I can’t say as I was anything but depressed. And you’re a sweet kid and trust me Sidney even thought I deserved better. But I don’t know where and if I’ll ever find better. I just know it wasn’t with him.”
“I can tell you where you’d find better.” he said, turning back towards me. I looked away girlishly, turning my attention downwards. He was so close to me that avoiding looking at him was almost impossible.
“And where’s that? Who could that man possibly be?” I asked, letting two of his fingers tip my head up so that I was looking into those beautiful blue green eyes again. His hair was messily falling down out of his hat and a little devilish smirk was crossing his battle scared face.
“You’re looking at him.” he whispered, pressing his lips to mine gently. I heard a childish ‘ooo’ing go up in the little group of hockey players and kids in the lounge and Michael screaming from his room but I was lost in a world I’d never even been to before. I could almost hear Sidney’s shock from where I knew he was sitting with a little girl but I was far too immersed in enjoying Eric to really give a damn what he was feeling. He pulled away slowly and leaned his head on mine, “You can find him right here.”
“I think I just did.” I managed before he kissed me again just as softly as the first time. I had found someone else and my heart was fluttering as fast as the butterflies in my stomach. I’d thought it would take a miracle to make me happy again and it did. This miracle was gentle and kind and possibly the sweetest I’d ever seen. The miracle had a name and it was Eric Godard. And despite what anyone else may have said he was a miracle great enough to make even me believe in Santa.
