‘It kills me not to know this but I’ve all but just forgotten; what the colors of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them; As the telling signs of age rain down; a single tear is dropping. Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten.’
“You seriously need to get over this.” Mike started, looking over at me while he untied his skates. I sighed and leaned back in my stall.
“How? Everyone’s got someone and I’ve got nothing.” I replied, staring up at the ceiling. He rolled his eyes and laughed. I didn’t think it was all that funny. Everyone was with someone. And it sounded strange to say but I was so lonely. Sid was married last month. Jordan, Geno, Kris, Marc and Max were all engaged. Max fucking ‘whore me out’ Talbot was engaged. I just seemed ot end up in a bunch of terrible relationships; one after the other.
“It’s a relationship. It’s not that import-” he started.
“Ruppers,” I began, completely interrupting him.
“Uhh… yeah?” he asked, confused.
“You’re married.” And I stood and walked to the showers.
“That doesn’t mean you have to drink like a fish!” he shouted at me through the empty locker room. “You’re going to kill yourself, Eric! Kill yourself!”
Twenty minutes later when I came out of the locker room’s shower, I found myself alone. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling. I was alone most of the time. Everyone else had wives and fiancées and a love to go home and curl up with. My last ten relationships had turned into nothing. I ran a hand back my still dripping hair and looked through my stall for where I’d put my clothes. Picking up my shirt, a picture that I’d forgotten I’d hung fell to the wet ground under my feet.
Smiling up at me was my old happiness and the girl who’d been the biggest cause. A girl I’d left back home in Vernon when I’d come here; or rather gone to the Coyotes. She’d promised to stay in touch but I’d moved to so many teams. Calgary, Vancouver, Phoenix, New York. God I’d been everywhere. Eventually she lost track of me. Or maybe she just forgot, like I had, until now. So far as I knew, Bernie had stayed back home. I’d almost forgotten her. I’d almost forgotten my best friend.
Picking up the photo gently, I stared at our smiling faces; into her hazel green eyes. We were younger and happier and looking back it was so different. I’d never been alone them because we were always together. I could hear her in my head now like I’d never left. Our last week of French.
‘Tu m’aimes? ha! Je t‘aime si beaucoup! Nous somme des ami pour toujour!’
I felt a pull in my head but sat the picture back down in the stall so that I could see it. I got dressed and tucked the photo of us; during the heaviest snowfall in Vernon while we ice skated on the pond; into my wallet. Quietly I got my duffle bag and headed out to my car, hoping that tonight I could drink away the loneliness. Finally.
‘There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds; But seldom to these words ring true when I’m constantly failing you; Like walls that we just can’t break through until we disappear’
I’d been at the bar for the beginning of Happy hour and it was now long since over. I hadn’t ever been so drunk so fast. It was only around eleven thirty and I was almost wasted. The bar had cleared out for the most part and I was, again, lonely.
“Hey! Come ahn! Shift chahnge, dolle face!” A Bruins fan yelled at a girl-needless to say a beautiful girl- behind the bar. I frowned at the fan, who seemed to not notice me too much. I wanted to rub it in his face that we’d won tonight but I was unsure if I should do it.
“Ahy! Calm down! You’ll get your drink!” she answered back. Her voice, amid the craziness, was a pleasant melody. I decided to watch her walking back and forth. Something in her swagger was familiar. Maybe I was just tipsy.
“Hey,” she said quietly, coming over to me. My heart was speeding a hundred miles over legal limit, “Do you want another?”
“Uhm….. yeah… sure I’ll take another. A…. rum and coke.” I managed, trying really hard not o sound stupid. She smiled and I smiled back, though through my black eye and gashed face I wasn’t sure I was astatically pleasing as she was. She brought me my drink last out of everyone else and too ka seat in front of me.
“So. You play for the Pens now. Who would’ve thought a back woods Vernon boy like you’d get this far.” she teased. I blinked hard, trying to realize why she’d say that to me. She’d never met me before. Maybe I was hallucinating. She smiled again and I swooned. “Eric, you’re so the same kid that left me in Vernon. Have you forgotten so easily your best friend? Nous somme des ami pour toujour, remember?” Then it hit me.
“Bernie?” I asked in disbelief. Maybe finding that picture today had been a sign. A wonderful, wonderful sign. This beautiful girl with pleasant curves, layered hair and make up was my best friend Bernie. It was the only girl I’d ever trusted with everything. The only girl that I’d ever really gotten along with long enough to have trusted, really.
“The one and only.” she replied, gesturing down her body. My eyes were inclined to follow but I kept them locked on the bright hazel green jewels she called eyes. Her smile was infectious.
“How’ve you been?” I slurred. She looked a bit sad but answered. She’d always hated when I drank.
“I’ve been oka-” she started, interrupted by a familiar rude accent.
“Bahby Doll!” the Bruins fan again. She rolled her eyes and got him a drink, rolling her eyes as she came back after having her ass hit about 20 times on the way. I felt a little frustrated that I couldn’t yell at them; that she didn’t yell at them.
“I’ve been okay. Been working here and going to Pitt to be a writer. It’s good enough, I suppose.” she said, looking thoughtful, like she almost always did, “And you?”
“I’ve been,” I began, really unsure how to answer. I couldn’t tell her, after all this time living my dream, that I was unhappy and lonely. “Good. Just tired. A writer, huh? Didn’t you want to be a hockey coach?”
“Yeah, but in the NHL, that’ll never happen. I coach a Junior team, so it’s okay. Davey baby got me the job.” I felt my heart sinking. ‘Davey baby’? She was even with someone. Fuck. “Oh hey, Eric, I have to get home to Mischa and Posha,” she began, confusing me a little, “Call me sometime. Maybe we can go to lunch or something.” she said, jotting down nine little numbers on a napkin. She made a smiley face with a heart that made me feel childish but really good too. She left the bar, jacket in hand, and scarf around her neck. She was breathtaking. No surprise she was taken.
I took another drink and felt better. Alcohol was a great friend. It would keep me company. And it did as the warm feeling passed through me. That night was a blur after that.
‘And the day pressed on like crushing weights; For no man does it ever wait; Like memories of dying days that deafen us like hurricanes; Bathed in flames we held the brand, uncurled the fingers in your hand; Pressed into flesh like sand; now do you understand?’
It had been almost a week since I’d been in the bar with Bernie. I hadn’t gone back but she hadn’t left my mind. Her number was first in my cell phone but I didn’t need to look at it. It was burned into my mind. I’d stared at it so many times wondering if I should call her. Of course I hadn’t. I did miss her but she didn’t need to see me like this. I’d been dizzy drunk almost every single night. Last night was no different. The loneliness was really getting to me.
I pushed myself hard getting out of be that morning, relinquishing the thought of sleeping in; though I’m uncertain why. Most of the day went fast and five o’ clock came up. Late night practice made my day better. I made it to the rink to find that I was the first there of the team; but I was not alone. A delightful sky blue thunderbird was parked in the lot. Maybe someone got a new car.
I walked in to find Bernie, wandering around quietly. My heart stopped. My eyes opened despite my hangover. She didn’t seem to have noticed me and I tried to get past her She was more observant than I thought she was and her melodic voice rang off the walls.
“It’s a beautiful place, really it is.” she said, looking around, “I like it here.”
“You’ve never been here before, have you?” I asked through a rough voice. She knew immediately, as she always had, that I was hung over. I felt ashamed when her demeanor changed but she kept her best melody to keep me hanging onto her words. It was like music you couldn’t stop listening to.
“First time ever. I thought I’d come for a practice. Maybe I’ll learn something. And,” I turned to see that her face was sort of pink, “I wanted to see how you were. I gave you my number but I forgot to get yours.” I felt a flutter in my stomach; then I remembered ‘Davey baby’.
“Mmm. Well, want to go get coffee after practice? Maybe I can get you a puck or something for your team.” I offered with a smile. She beamed, something that made me weak in the knees.
“That’d be awesome.” she said happily. It was nice to have her happy because I was there. It was nice to have anyone happy because I was there. I motioned for her to follow me and she did, looking around and taking in our entire rink. When I pushed open the locker room door she was hesitant to follow me. I grabbed her hand, for the first time in years with some fluttering heartbeats, and pulled her in behind me.
“Welcome to the sweat shop.” I said, dropping my bag. My hang over was going away quicker and quicker with each second I stood with her. She held onto my hand and stood beside me, looking around.
“Looks a lot like our locker room. Except I’m pretty sure you guys aren’t a co-ed team.” she laughed. I smiled and shook my head no, not willing to let go of her just yet. Holding on to her hand made me feel greater than anything else. Greater than the alcohol that was probably still running in my system.
“Nah. We’re not. But you know, we’re all just sexist bastards.” I joked, finally letting go of her when I heard my stick fall down. She laughed and wrinkled her nose at me; something I’d always found really adorable.
“You’re a meanie!” she said childishly. I laughed and she laughed right along and for the first time in a while I felt happy. It was wonderful. She turned away from me and crossed her arms. We were just like kids again. We were kids again. I pouted and turned to her.
“Awehh no I’m not.” I whined. She peaked over her shoulder and smiled, turning on me quickly and jumping up into my arms. I held her tight by the waist and kept her off the floor. Her arms were around my neck and she nestled her face in my neck and hugged me. I could hear my heart beat in my head. We had to have been there for a while because when my grip loosened a little her feet were back on the ground but we were still clinging to each other. I sighed into her and put my head down on her shoulder.
“I did miss you, Godsy.” she said quietly. I smiled a little, realizing that she reciprocated my missing her.
“I missed you too.” was all I could come up with. We stood there a while longer and eventually I began rocking her back and forth slowly. My eyes were closed so I hadn’t noticed anything around me and when I heard a few whistles they shot open; stunned in the bright lights that had been turned on.
“Godsyy! Did you find yourself a girlfriend?” Max taunted. He’d been on my case since he’d gotten engaged. I was the only one that was alone and he took advantage of it. That just meant he got harder checks into the boards. Bernie pulled, seemingly reluctantly, away from me and looked at Max. She didn’t seem as star struck as everyone else was when they met him. And she didn’t seem at all surprised when Sid and Geno looked up from sitting their stuff down to see my reaction. She looked at me and then quickly away. I don’t think she knew what to say so I said something.
“No. This is my best friend, Bernie. We were catching up.” I told them, wishing my hardest that what they had assumed was actually true. We let go of each other and I felt all the happiness running out of me. I loved the feeling of having someone so close to me again after so long. Max laughed.
“Catch up? That looked like cuddling.” Sidney said, sitting down in his stall. Geno nodded, always a little shyer when new people came around. Bernie turned around when Max started laughing.
“Please tell me she’s not a bunny.” he said through giggles. Bernie put her hands on her hips, something I could only dream about, and shook her head.
“I coach hockey, thank you very much, Maxime.” and with that she turned back to me and smiled. “I’m going up to sit in the seats. I’ll see you later.” and she walked out. Geno turned to me and raised an eyebrow.
“Am seeing the ring on her finger? Is from you?” he asked, looking curious. I was just as confused as he was.
“Huh?” I asked, sitting down and getting ready to go out.
“She’s got a ring on her finger. Is it from you?” Sidney asked, looking sincere. I was still lost. I hadn’t noticed anything like that. But I was praying to God they were just yanking my chain. I went on with everything I had to do and skated out, hoping I’d impress her.
><><>><><Bernie’s POV><><>
Seeing Eric again made me feel lots of things I hadn’t felt forever. I missed him so much while he was away. All those years that he’d been out of Vernon and away from me with no phone calls or letters or texts. It was terrible. And hugging him today made me realize that I’d really missed him as much as I thought I had. I was so glad he’d come to the bar that night and that Brian had made me work a double shift.
I sat there, watching everyone skating out and doing drills and saw Eric looking over at me frequently and flashing a smile. Like seeing me was really all that great. I’m sure he had a bunch of girlfriends and he didn’t need to be dealing with me hanging around. I was glad to hear that he was happy here and doing well; although I could have had a few words about his drinking. I wished I would’ve been truthful with him about my life. It really wasn’t all that wonderful. The bar was terrible most nights and getting manhandled was horrendous. College at Pitt was okay but most of the time I was just alone. Loneliness was bad. It’s part of the reason I’d started coaching. That was my only claim to anything now really.
I hadn’t been paying attention and a puck hit the glass. Looking up I saw Eric waving at me and I smiled. I must’ve really been out of it because it looked like practice was almost over. Checking my phone, which held the picture of Eric and I in Vernon as my wallpaper as it had every day since I was twenty, I saw that it was almost seven thirty. I got a text just before everyone skated off from Lukus, one of the kids on my 16 and under team, saying that Mikhail, a child I’d known since I’d first moved here, had been in a car accident. I was freaking out by the time Eric skated off, all smiles, and made it to me after practice. I hid it well.
“Hey, Bernie.” Eric said, smiling as he came up to me. I hugged him but I was distracted. He took my left hand in his and his face contorted in a thought but it seemed like he let it go. I smiled at him as best I could.
“Hey. Listen, Godsy, I’m so sorry about this but I have to skip out tonight. Mikhail needs me. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” I said, looking up at him. He looked really sat but nodded. I leaned up, as I had since I’d first become his best friend, and kissed his cheek. “Bye, Eric.” I said and left. He stood behind me but I’m uncertain what he was thinking. All I was thinking was how much I missed him when I had to leave.
><><>Eric’s POV><<><
I ended up at the bar that night again. Being with Bernie today had made my life seem high and when I’d seen her after practice all the happiness I’d felt seemed silly. There was a ring on her finger. It was on her ring finger. I was such an idiot to think that she was as lonely as I was. So, the only thing left to keep me company was alcohol. The guys mostly all came out with me and we were all half tipsy when I heard a familiar voice of a Bruins fan. Did he live here to make us want to kill him or something?
“Doll! Ahy! A beer over heayah.” he called. I looked over and my spirits rose when I saw Bernie coming around the counter with a beer so she could give it to him. She looked just as happy as she had earlier. I wondered how this Mikhail was. Who he was. What he was doing with her. And that made me gulp down the rest of a rum and jack twister Max had ordered and given up drinking.
I made it through half the night with them until most of them left. Eventually I was with Max and Ruppers; both of whom thought I was terrible that I felt down about being alone. I just kept drinking and drinking until finally I felt myself about ready to get sick.
“Bernie!” Maxy called over to her. She looked over just as I stood up and fell over. I was on the ground. Too much alcohol to even get to the bathroom. I laid still and stared up at the ceiling spinning around. Ruppers leaned over the table. The bar had cleaned out except for the four of us now.
“You are a fucking idiot. You’ve been drinking like this all month. For more than one. You’re fucking stupid.” he said, just as Bernie made it over to us. She didn’t look any happier with my behavior but I was surprised to see the concern in her eyes. She pulled me up off the floor and let me sit back in her arms so that she could look at me. I thought she was going to yell so I braced but her voice was soft.
“You are fucking killing yourself drinking this much. Don’t you know you could die? This is the stupidest thing you could ever do. Why the fuck are you doing this? It’s so damned stupid, Godsy. What about the people who love you? What about them. What happens when you kill yourself?” she asked, half begging for an answer as she ran her hand back over my hair. “Max, can you go behind the counter and bring me the bucket.”
“Yeah… uhh… sure.” Max said, uncertain about me just letting someone talk to me like that. I looked up and saw Ruppers, amazed that anyone, let alone a girl, was talking to me that way. But Bernie was different. She was a wonderful person. A wonderful friend. And I sighed. I knew she begged for an answer so I tried to whisper one.
“I know I could die…. but I’ve got nothing here to live for. I am always alone. I have no one. No people who care for me. And when I kill myself then it’ll be a simple thing. One two I’m dead.” I said quietly, realizing how stupid it was for me to say afterwards. She was crying. A pain in my heart.
“You know, you’re so fucking stupid.” she said sadly, “You have me. I care about you, Eric. And your stupid to think that no one cares.”
“Oh that’s easy for you to say. You have a boyfriend or a fiancé to run home to every night. You’ve got someone who cares about you. I have alcohol and that’s what I go home to. Now do you understand?” I asked, still clearly more intoxicated than I thought I had been. She was still crying.
“Idiot.” she murmured. “I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a fiancé. I have myself and Mischa and Posha and cats aren’t exactly my idea of people I run home to. I have people who care for me but obviously those people don’t include you.” That one hit home. And it clicked how stupid this was. It clicked how stupid it was to try and drink away pain. And to think no one cared about me. And it clicked that, even though she’d been back in my life for such a short time, Bernie cared. And I was hurting her. She was someone I cared about.
‘That’s when she said I don’t hate you boy I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save. That’s when I told her I love you girl but I’m not the answer for the questions that you still have. Oohhh Ohhhh.’
I woke up in my room at home and I couldn’t see how I’d gotten there. Looking around I saw that it was still dark so it must’ve been nighttime. I didn’t know how long I’d been there but I knew I felt like shit. I’d made my best friend cry like a little kid. I’d made the girl I loved cry because I was an idiot. But drinking was all I had. What could I do?
I sat up and tried to remember everything that had happened but I couldn’t remember anything that had been said between Bernie and I; just a happy feeling when she was holding me and deep sorrow when she started to cry. Trying to stand I realized that Bernie was asleep in the armchair next to the bed. I tried to sit down but ended up falling into bed, jolting her awake. She rubbed her eyes and watched me quietly for a minute, smiling widely.
“You’ve been asleep for a day and a half. I thought you’d never wake up.” she said with relief on her breath. And suddenly she snapped at me, “But if you ever fucking do something that stupid again I’ll kill you. I don’t hate you, don’t ever think that, but you need help.”
“I don’t need help from you because you don’t need me dragging you down.” I told her, hearing how ragged my voice sounded. In the early dim morning light I watched her sigh heavily.
“I don’t need the man I love killing himself. That’s what I don’t need.” I listened to her say but I wasn’t sure if I’d heard. She sighed and leaned back in her chair. She was so beautiful. I stood up and quietly walked over to her, shaking a little but otherwise not nervous.
><><>Bernie’s POV><><
Eric was standing in front of me and after a day and a half of worrying sick I could only think that it was amazing to see him standing at all. I was so worried about him that I’d gotten sick the first night. And today it drove me batty. He stood there quietly and looked down at me, offering me his hands. I stood up and looked at him for a minute, really unsure of what was happening.
“You have someone to care about. Why would you love me?” he asked, looking down into my eyes with a wonder. I sighed. He didn’t remember. He took my left hand and looked at it, staring down, surely at the ring.
“I love you because you’re my Godsy. I just love you.” I said quietly. He looked a little thoughtful and sighed.
“But you have someone to run home to. Someone who loves you so much they bought you a ring for your finger.” I almost laughed at him there. He raised his eyebrow.
“Godsy,” I started smiling at him, “I know the man who bought me this ring loves me.”
“I know he does too. It’s beautiful.” he was clueless.
“Want to know how I know?” I asked, watching his face contort. He raised an eyebrow.
“How?”
><><<><Eric’s POV><><>
“You’re the one that bought it for me.” she answered. I smiled and looked down at her hand. I remembered then that I’d gotten her that ring for Valentine’s day way back in the day. She’d been sad that I was leaving in a few days so I’d gotten it for her as a keepsake. “I don’t take it off.”
“I…” I began, feeling more nervous than I’d ever felt before. I’d never heard my heart beating so fast, “I….”
“You…?” she asked, looking deep up into my eyes. I sighed and felt a shiver. I was already weak enough in the knees without her looking at me. I took a deep breath.
“I love you.” I whispered. She smiled and looked down, face becoming red. I don’t think she’d seen that coming. As soon as she looked up, I pressed my lips to hers.
‘So tell me now, if this ain’t love then how do we get out? Cause I don’t know.’
I’d never felt a better feeling than her lips on mine. And nothing had ever felt more right to me before. Alcohol and my other girlfriends and everything I ever thought had made me happy amounted to nothing. This was something I’d waited for my entire life and it had been so worth it. She pulled away quietly and looked at me.
“I..” she started, looking hesitant. I rested my forehead on hers and stared down into her eyes and for the first time realized that all the answers to all my questions were there. Like magic. “I think I love you too.” That was all I needed to hear to know that I was right. I kissed her again and fell off a cliff. She smiled into my lips and we stayed there for a moment. I’d never felt more alive. When we pulled away after that I heard her sigh pleasantly and I chuckled.
“What?” she asked, looking at me.
“I just realized something,” I started, watching her staring at me for an answer more complete than that. I got closer to her, pulling her into my chest as close as I could and leaning my forehead on hers. “You are twice as intoxicating as anything I have ever had to drink.” she smiled, giggling, before her lips met mine again. And I realized then, for the first time ever, that I would never again be alone. Nous somme des ami pour toujour. J'étais tellement en amour. Forever.
‘One thousand miles away, There’s nothing left to say. But so much left that I don’t know. We never had a choice, this world is too much noise. It takes me under, it takes me under once again.’
