I walked towards the ocean and sighed, taking in the beautiful sight that was the frothing white waves crashing over the pale shore. The white sand was washing slowly away and I found myself in a daze. I couldn’t tear my eyes off it and for a moment felt like I was flying. My heart stopped when a voice from a million years ago floated into my ears.
“Sidney.” She whispered from behind me. I turned to face her, taking in everything about her with greedy want that had been eating at my soul for an eternity. “Hey, Siddy.” She continued on, unaware of my shock and greed.
“Bernie.” I managed as she walked forward, jeans brushing back against the wind as it blew in from the ocean. The light blue shirt she was wearing flaunted her curves. I took them in, watching her with increasing lust. I watched every move she made as if I’d never seen her before, wanting to memorize her down to the small efforts she spent on breathing. I wanted to burn the images into my retinas.
“I miss you, Sid.” She said, reaching out towards me, a sweet smile gracing her face. I wanted to lunge at her, hold on for dear life, but was immobile. My feet stuck to the ground like I was rooted in the sand. My hand reached for hers automatically but as soon as our fingers touched and I blinked my eyes she was gone with the whispering wind. I screamed but no one came back.
“Sidney!” Max screamed, shaking my shoulders with immeasurable force. My eyes shot open and I found myself staring into Max’s icy blue eyes instead of the beautiful hazel green ones of the friend I’d lost years ago. The dreams about her hadn’t stopped for years. Ever since she’d been pronounced missing and then dead I’d dreamt about meeting her on the beach. Always the same thing. My heart was aching for her.
“Hmm? I’m awake, I’m awake.” I said groggily, rubbing my surely bloodshot eyes. Last night was another night I’d cried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep through the night. It was a hopeless effort.
“You need to give her up, Sidney.” Jordan called over to me from across the room on the other couch, “We all miss her but this is getting ridiculous. It’s been two years for God’s sake. I miss her just as much as the next guy but you have to forget this.”
“I know.” I said, getting up and running my hands through my hair, wishing that I could take his advice. There hadn’t been a day that had passed when I hadn’t thought about her. Hadn’t thought about the opportunities I’d never taken. Thought about all the time I’d loved her but never said a word, thinking that time was eternal and that I had enough to go around.
We dressed later that night and as we walked to the bar down the street I found every step weighing on me. I looked out over the boardwalk of California and sighed, watching the waves crashing down on the sand. Unconsciously I searched over the beach for her but found nothing. It hit me again. She was gone. It was like a wound that never healed.
Getting drunk that night didn’t help me at all and as Staalsy, Marc and Max carried me back to the hotel I faded in and out of consciousness, closing my eyes to see hers staring back at me worriedly. Sometimes I wondered why she was doing this to me but right now I was crying because of the happiness I felt every time I caught that far away glimpse of her. They got me up the stairs but I was out before we ever hit the door.
The ocean was blue and white as it had always been. The skies were blue. I knew what was coming. Turning around, I found her. She stood, perfect as I’d ever seen her, with her dark brown hair whipping around in the wind but never being creased by knots. I was crying in my dreams too. She saw me and came forward, not reaching out until she was close enough to feel my breath on her face. Staring down at her and holding my breath I watched her reach out her hand, saying nothing as she touched me. I blinked, expecting to lose her but she was still standing with me as my eyes opened again. More tears.
She wiped them away and smiled at me with the angelic little smile that had always made my heart do flips and jumps. Coming even closer I felt my heart stop. She was an inch away now. An inch that she’d never closed before. An inch that I’d never dreamed would be so far away. She didn’t make contact this time, just stared up into my eyes, into my soul. I took her in and sighed as she smiled again. A giggle, soft and light.
“Sidney, you’ve never been to Angelo’s before. You’ll have to go.” She told me in that soft soprano voice of hers. I felt the confusion set in. Angelo’s? I’d never heard of that place when she was alive.
“What? Where is that?” I asked, confused by her. She laughed again, taking my hand.
“Tomarrow.” She whispered. I blinked and she was gone. I didn’t scream this time, too confused by her to think about anything.
My eyes flew open and I sat up in a cold sweat. Angelo’s? I’d never heard of that place before. Why would she mention that? Why was I dreaming about her anyway? And if I was the one imagining these dreams up why hadn’t other things happened. Why hadn’t we kissed like I’d dreamed about for seven years? Why hadn’t we held hands and been a couple on the beach watching the sunset?
“Again, monsieur?” Marc asked, looking over at me from the darkness that was shrouding his chair from the rest of the room. I heard a few of the other guys snoring. Our game with the LA Kings today had knocked everyone out quickly.
“Yeah.” I whispered back in reply, laying back down.
“You need to stop tormenting yourself. You lost her. We all did. She’s just gone. God rest her soul, wherever she is.” He said, laying back down and falling asleep. I felt my mind go back to the day I’d found out.
I was a robot. I didn’t know which way was up.
“Bernie’s been missing for three weeks now. We don’t know where or if she’s alive but the search parties are giving up. She’s been officially pronounced dead.” Dany had said. What happened after that, what he’d said I didn’t know. I could only recall undeniable sorrow. I’d loved her. She was a close friend, a close confident. I’d never told her of course, which made this even worse than it already was. I’d lost a wonderful friend today but I’d also lost a hope for the rest of my life. I’d wanted to spend it with her. She was amazing, beautiful, wonderful. I’d been meaning to tell her, to ask her out, to date. But she was always so busy. She’d had date with almost everyone and I felt like I didn’t stand a chance. She always said she was looking for the right guy. Now I’d never know if I was that guy.
And two weeks later at the funeral for her, I cried for hours. I couldn’t stop for three days. Every time I touched a stick or skated I ended up in tears. Falling down and down and down again. It was like the rain on a larger scale than ever.
Eventually I’d gotten a little better. Staring at the ocean every chance I got made me feel closer to her. She’d always said that the ocean was her favorite place, next to a lake she’d seen as a child in Thunder Bay. She said that the ocean called her to it, it was like something that she couldn’t escape. I’d always thought she was as graceful as the ocean was. Now the ocean was all I had left of that grace.
I stayed up and mapquested Angelo’s finding that it was a small coffee shop off the boardwalk, near the off limits portion of the water. After everyone woke up I suggested that we head out to the shop and everyone agreed. Coffee was a sure thing. They didn’t need to know my other motives. Confused as all hell, I closed my eyes on the drive there and as soon as I did, she was next to me, holding my hand as we stared at the ocean.
“It’s beautiful. Look through the boards, Sid. You can see the animals playing down there.” She said thoughtfully, watching my face with intensity, “Angelo’s is delicious. Cappuccino.” I blinked. She disappeared. I woke up.
“Okay, we’re…. here?” Marc asked, getting out of the truck to look over a commonplace looking coffee shop at the end of a bunch of rickety boards. The waves could be seen crashing into shore hard over rocks and I was mesmerized for a moment before I lead the way towards the shop.
“Are you sure we’re safe sitting here, Sid?” Jordan asked, taking a seat at an outdoor table with Max, Marc and I. I nodded and closed my eyes, hoping that maybe she’d show up again but nothing happened.
“May I take your orders?” A pleasant looking Italian woman asked, hunched over a notepad in her old age. She was graying but she looked full of life and I felt a sudden jolt, immediately responding.
“I’ll have a cappuccino please.” I said quietly, watching her scribbling it down before taking everyone else’s orders. They stared at me afterwards, shocked at what I’d just done. I hadn’t had cappuccino since Bernie and I had shared our last drink at Sheetz the day before she went out on her boat trip and never come back. It was a cappuccino with cream. Delicious. I remembered the way she sipped it slowly, trying not to burn herself but burning herself anyway.
A few minutes later I heard the old lady yelling out an order in Italian, which I knew now thanks to learning after Bernie’s death. She’d always called me Vortice, the Vortex. She didn’t speak much French but we were learning from each other, English of course being how we said most things. I closed my eyes and slid down in my chair, trying to relax and force back tears as I thought about her. A million memories came back to me and it was hard to keep from screaming. Suddenly I heard a crash and saw a waitress, young enough to be my age, hurriedly cleaning up a mass of broken glass. I jumped up and helped her, picking up the pieces of cups that had been scattered over the boards and fallen down through the cracks. I retch for another piece and our hands bumped into each other. I heard Max and Jordan conversing with Marc and knew they weren’t paying attention to me.
I followed the hand up and noticed that I couldn’t see her face. Blinking once as she flipped her bangs back out of her eyes, I felt my heart stop. Staring back at me were those beautiful hazel green eyes I’d seen so many times before in my dreams. I thought I was hallucinating again but I blinked and it never changed. Her dark brown hair didn’t turn blonde. Her eyes didn’t turn blue. Her skin didn’t turn black. She seemed just as shocked to see me and we seemed to have stopped in time in that second. I waited, praying for that one little word that would let me know if she was who I thought. It came.
“Sidney?” she asked timidly in that soft soprano voice I’d had dreams, fantasies even, about. I seized her hand and blinked again, watching her studying me just as intensely as I’d studied her in my dreams. I needed other confirmation. It came.
“Bernadette! Come on! We have work to do!” the Italian woman yelled from inside the coffee shop. I stood up and brought her quickly with me, seizing her up in my arms. I felt like I could scream and cry and die at the same time. I nearly had a heart attack right there. Her arms flew around me and held me to her, face buried deep in my chest, seemed to touch my heart.
“What’s he doing……?” Jordan asked. He hadn’t seen her yet but I wasn’t about to let go. I’d done it once. Never again. I bent down over her, still holding her into my chest, insuring she couldn’t disappear.
“Where’ve you been? I’ve been dreaming you were alive. You left me, Bernie. I was dead inside for two years.” I whispered, half in tears. I heard her sobbing in my chest and felt an instant pang of heartbreak. I was sorry for saying anything to her in bad faith or anger.
“I’ve been here. I found a yacht and they took me away to Russia for a while. I traveled around and came back, got a job here, near the ocean. I remembered what I said to you about the ocean. But didn’t think you’d ever come. I dreamed about you. It hurt me deep, Siddy.” She whispered back. I held her for forever until finally someone spoke up.
“Okay, are we having gargoyle practice or what?” Jordan asked firmly, sort of angry. I felt her loosen her grip and I reluctantly let her go as she turned towards everyone. They were all as shocked as I was but before anyone could say anything she turned back to face me, back to them. Staring up into my eyes I felt my heart do a back flip. I’d blinked. I’d breathed. Nothing had happened. She wasn’t disappearing. Her hand reached out and wiped my tears, light on my skin. I leaned into it, feeling the sudden rebirth of my dreams.
“Sidney.” She said softly, an eerie echo from my dreams. I put my hands on her waist and held her, shaking and crying. This was a kind of happiness I’d never felt before, even after winning the Stanley cup my first time. After winning it three times in a row. Being MVP. Nothing compared.
“Don’t disappear on me…” I said, feeling her fingers taking away more tears. She smiled and giggled again, coming within an inch of me. I held on tighter and didn’t falter in holding her.
“I won’t ever disappear again.” And her lips touched mine.
