‘You come to me with scars on your wrists’
I shot up off the couch when I heard a loud crashing outside my door. It’d been storming for almost a week but tonight was the worst. Another loud smash. It was my door. Quietly I stood up and wondered over to it, still in a sleepy haze. I opened the doors slowly, finding a rain drenched Bernie crying on my door step.
“I….I just…” she began. I took her hand and pulled her into the house, shutting the door. She fell into me and started sobbing. I was wide awake now.
“Shhh…. Shh… you’re okay. You’re here now.” I whispered into her sopping wet hair. I’d never seen her so distraught before. Her parents had been on her case for along time now and so she’d been here with me a lot more. Ever since they found her dating they’d thrown a fit. He dad hit her a few times. It was ridiculous.
I backed away from her a little and tried to get those beautiful hazel eyes to look up at me but she refused, wiping her endless stream of tears on her sleeve. I’d fallen in love with her so many years ago when we were just kids. She’d never found out but this was killing me. I couldn’t understand how they could hurt someone so innocent.
“I just came to say goodbye….. I didn’t want you to see my cry….” she sniveled, reaching up to wipe her face. She’d been planning to move away somewhere but I didn’t think she’d actually ever leave Pittsburgh. Her job with the Pens. Me. She turned her wrist and I saw the fresh gashed strewn across it. Rage filled me but also sorrow. She was so beautiful and she didn’t see it. They were still bleeding. I took her by the arms and held her. Finally, eye contact.
“What happened?” I asked her, seeming demanding. She looked away but I shook her arms.
“I’m fine..” she sighed, still shaking. I noticed the huge red mark on her face then. I shook my head. Unbelievable.
“You’re not fine! You’re bleeding!” I half screamed. She flinched away.
‘You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this. But I know it’s a lie.’
“Please, just tell me what’s wrong. You can trust me, Bernie. You know that. We’ve been friends forever. What’s wrong…” I started angrily watching her flinching away from me as slowly my voice faded off. “I just really care about you. And this isn’t you. You don’t deserve this..”
“Eric…. I just…. I told him I was coming here and he beat me for being…. A whore…. And mom said that I was…. Never going to be good for anything…..” she began, sobbing harder. I took her up into my arms and held her for almost an hour until her tears had dried. Kissing the top of her head I sighed. This wasn’t what she deserved.
“This is the last night you’ll spend alone, Bernie.” she sighed and looked down. I tipped her head up with my finger and stared into her tear stained eyes. She locked eyes with me and my heart melted when I saw a small spark of who she used to be inside them.
‘Look me in the eyes so I know you know.’
“But I live there how could I not b-”
“Stay here.” I interrupted her, “Stay with me.”
“But I’d be such a burden on you….” she whispered, avoiding my gaze now. I’d do anything to see even a glimmer of hope or happiness in her eyes. A shred of who she used to be when she came here with me from Vernon. A piece of the girl that I knew when she took her job with the Pens.
“No you wouldn’t be. You are my best friend and you will not be staying with them again.” I told her, “That’s final. This is not what can keep happening to you.” I whispered, kissing her forehead. It was the closest I’d ever come to kissing the lips I’d always dreamed about.
“I love you.” she told me sleepily. She was completely exhausted now. I sighed and led her to the couch, sitting down with her in my arms like I hadn’t since we were kids. When I would baby sit her at ten, when she was six, I would lull her to sleep like this. She fell into it like we’d never stopped and cuddled up into me, falling asleep in ten minutes. I carried her to my room and lay her down in bed, sighing and kissing her forehead.
“I’m everywhere you want me to be.” I said, watching her sleep. Eventually, I curled up beside her and fell asleep again. It had been a long night. But she was safe now and that’s all I could ask for.
‘I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go, I’m everything you need me to be’
I woke up the next day in Eric’s arms and sighed. There was blood all over his sheets from my arms. They were dried now. I couldn’t feel one side of my face. It was probably the bruise forming from where Dad had hit me yesterday. If it wasn’t already there. I shuttered to think what would happen if I went home again.
I turned into Eric’s arms so that I was curled up in his chest. I watched him breathe, slowly and quietly. He was the only one that knew about this. The only one I let know about this. I cuddled up into his arms and took in the smell of his axe. It had always calmed me down when I’d been jumpy. He was the only one out of the whole team that knew my weaknesses; really knew my life.
His lips twisted into a smile and his eyes fluttered open to stare into mine as I looked up. The sun was shining right into them. I could really see the green in them today. He kissed my forehead and sighed worriedly. Pushing himself up on one elbow, he looked over me and I knew he saw the blood on the sheets. Instead of yelling, like everyone else that was close to me would’ve, he smiled and ran a finger gently over the numb part of my face.
“We need to get ice on that.” and he was up and out of bed. He walked out and I followed him quietly. When I reached the kitchen he was standing in front of his refrigerator, frantically digging for an icepack that I knew was probably right in front of his face. My phone began to ringing to ‘Screenwriting an Apology’. I sighed and looked down at my caller ID even though I pretty much knew who it was. Dany trying to see if I was coming to practice today. I hadn’t been for so long. I’d been writing my reports online and emailing them to him. He hadn’t seen me for a while. No one had. Not even Eric. I’d planned on leaving. Running away. But Eric was insistent that I say. So I had, but only for a while. I planned on leaving when I got a chance. I loved this town but I was being hit on all sides. I’d kill myself before staying here.
“Here.” Eric said, walking over and handing me the ice. I sat it weakly on my face, shaking as my arms raised because they were throbbing from where I’d cut them. He looked down over me worriedly and sat a hand gently on my back. He hadn’t found the bruises that were there, or the ones that were strewn across my stomach. Jordan had done his own damage on me last week when I told him I hadn’t wanted sex.
“Thank you..” I said, barely able to speak. I was in so much pain. I could barely turn to look at him. He smiled halfheartedly and nodded.
“Do you want me to take you to your house to get your things while they’re at work? I promise I’ll be with you the whole time.” he assured, placing a hand on my back and running it up and down. I could’ve screamed but held in the pain. I’d become good enough at that much.
“… Yeah… but are you sure about this…? Me…. Moving in here? I’d be such a… burden on you, Eric.” I whispered. I really didn’t want to bother the only friend I had any more than I had to. He’d seen enough of my life. What if he started beating me when I got annoying. His voice interrupted my worries; rough and powerful but quiet and soothing.
“I want you here more than I want to be a hockey player. You need a safe place to stay where no one will ever hurt you again. And you need someone there to help you. I’m here and I’m willing.” he told me firmly, “I want you in my life. You’re not a burden. You never have been.”
“Thank.. You.” I replied softly, looking away at my phone and telling Dany that I probably would be in today.
“Come on, let’s go before they come back.” Eric said, taking my hand and pulling me off towards the door. I slipped on my shoes and followed him to his car. We drove speedily towards my house, which was on the far side of town from his. Maybe staying with him was a good idea. At least I’d be far enough to avoid dealing with them.
‘Your parents say everything is your fault..’
We pulled into my driveway and I felt the cold feeling of terror creeping into me. Eric took my hand and it seemed to back away as he led me up my drive and into the house. It was quiet and serene. No one was home. Thank God.
I ran up my steps with Eric right behind me and got into my room. It was dark, because all the light bulbs had been taken away from me. My dad said a bitch like me didn’t need light to see. I’d feel around for what I needed, just like I did on the streets.
“What all do you want?” Eric asked, opening my closet and finding my clothes. I sighed and pulled out a suitcase.
“Anything you can fit in here before we have to go.” I began, picking my laptop case up off the floor along with a photo album that I quickly shoved inside one of it’s pockets. I grabbed a few keepsakes from earlier this year when I’d had a decent time in Pittsburgh and a few more from childhood as I watched Eric hastily throwing clothes into my suitcase. We’d gotten almost everything packed. He grabbed my suitcase and zipped it up tight, sitting my laptop bag on top of it. I was glad I’d left my hockey bag at the arena now. Less to carry away quickly. Eric smiled at me.
“You know, I never thought I’d ever see the day you ended up moving in with me. Seems like just yesterday we were fighting about who could move further away from the other before they turned 30.” he joked, smiling at me. I felt an unfamiliar smile creep onto my face before terror struck me again. I heard a car pull in, a door slam. The front door open. Stomps up the stairs. They were early. Dad threw open the door in a fit of rage.
“WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU YESTERDAY YOU WHORE?! YOU RAN OUT LAST NIGHT WHEN I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO DO YOUR CHOR-” he stopped when he saw Eric towering over him as the door was thrown into the wall. I was cowering behind Eric, who was at full height, ready to fight with him.
“Don’t you ever say anything like that to her again.” Eric growled low in his throat. My dad laughed.
“That’s my slutty daughter you’re protecting. She’s a good for nothing whore. What does it matter to you what the fuck I say to her, Eric. You just fuck her and leave her. It’s fine if I beat her while you’re away. Fucking slut.” He was clearly drunk. I could see him wavering. Eric’s knuckles cracked on his leg.
“Shut the fuck up.” Eric demanded, rage filled. My Dad laughed again and ducked down around Eric’s arm and smacked me right in the face. I screamed and fell down, hiding under the bed. He ran at me and just when I thought he’d hit, I heard a sickening crunch. Opening my eyes, I saw Eric with a broken hockey stick in his hand. My dad, out cold on the floor in front of me. “Come on, Bernie.” he said, taking my hand and my bags before spitting on my father. I was already shaking when we got downstairs.
“SLUT!” my mom cried from the bottom of the steps where she stood. I flinched back. Eric was still in a rage. “HOW DARE YOU BRING A MAN INTO OUR HOUSE! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”
“Get out of the way, you bitch.” Eric said, blocking her from reaching me. I’d never felt more horrified in my life when she smacked him across the face. He was bleeding.
“No, you get out of the way. That’s my property you’re blocking.” she screamed. Eric picked her up and moved her.
“She’s not just a piece of meat. She’s a person. Fuck you if you think less.” He told her, half roaring in anger. He was still protecting me, putting himself between her and I. She was raging trying to get to me and gave him a few decent sized gashes on his arms I was half crying by the time he pushed her into the kitchens and blockaded the doorway with himself long enough for me to run outside with my things and get into his car.
He came out a few minutes later, a little worse for wear but he was overall okay. He pulled out in silence and I cried the whole way home… to my new home. When we got there we sat quietly in the car for a few moments until he got out and came around to my side. I pushed the door open weakly and turned but couldn’t hop out. I had lost most of my strength from being around my parents. Eric stood outside the door, looking in at me. His eyes were hard. He looked like he was blaming me for it. It was the same look I’d always gotten from my family. It cut me into my soul.
Suddenly he sighed hard and his eyes softened to the molten green blue they’d always been with me and he pulled me into his chest.
“You will never have to deal with them again.” he whispered lovingly into my ear. I broke down then and cried for a few minutes in happiness before he pulled away and smiled. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
We did just that and enjoyed a quiet day together as I got settled in the room right next to Eric’s. His house was so huge but I wanted to be right next to him. He made me feel safe and I needed that. The night came and I lay down to sleep, quietly enjoying the calm of my new room in my new house with my best friend. My phone went off with a text. I opened it and found a message that read :
‘Fucking bitch. Good for nothing. I know where you are. I’m going to fuck you up so bad.’
It was Jordan. I screamed and ran into Eric’s room. He was on the edge of his bed, running his hands through his hair. He wasn’t wearing anything but his shorts today but it didn’t matter. I was terrified. He jumped up and caught me when I ran to him.
“What? What’s wrong?” he asked, extremely concerned.
“Jordan just threatened me. I’m scared.” I whispered, feeling suddenly very silly. He sighed and sat down on the bed, still hugging me.
“Do you want to stay in here with me tonight?” he questioned, looking into my eyes. I took a deep breath and nodded. He smiled widely and let go of me, rolling to the other side of the bed and giving me space. I climbed under the sheets beside him and curled up right next to him instead of occupying the space he’d given me. He chuckled softly and it rang in my ears for a few minutes before he spoke. “You’ll never get hurt while I’m around. I promise….”
I was asleep before I could hear anymore of what he was saying. I woke up at four am to a text message on my phone. Sighing I rolled out of Eric’s arms reluctantly and opened it to read the text. I felt groggy but safe next to him so I felt there was nothing to fear. I sat up in bed and opened my phone, reading the message.
‘You are so good for nothing. Your father and I took care of you from birth and now look. You treat us like this? It’s all your fault. Everything that’s wrong is all your fault. God, you’re such a slut. Bitch. Whore. Fucking Whore.’ I started crying almost instantly. Why did my parents, the ones who had given me life, insist on treating me this way? Was I really that bad? I had to be if they treated me like this. When my sobs became too loud I hurried off to the bathroom so avoid waking Eric. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and cried. Finally, I pulled out a razor from the drawer.
‘I’m everywhere you need me to be…’
I was awake the whole time Bernie started crying but tried to act like I was sleeping so that she would feel comfortable and maybe go back to sleep. When she disappeared into the bathroom I waited a few minutes before getting up. I could hear her crying for a while so I walked up to the door. My heart ran hard with worry when I heard sporadic sobs that were punctuated by the sound of something being cut and then more snivels. I loved this woman and she was destroying herself. I put a hand on the doorknob but I couldn’t get in. Locked from the inside. Damn it.
“Bernie…. Sweetie… what’s wrong?” I asked in a half whimper. I was half crying now, scared almost to sickness of what she was doing to herself.
“No-no-nothing, Eric…. Go back to sleep…” she managed to say back between her own sobs.
“Please, Bernie, let me in. I need to see you. I need to make sure you’re okay.” I pleaded. Suddenly her voice was sharp and shrill. She was yelling at me.
“Everything’s not okay! I’m not okay! I want to fucking die! I’m not good enough to fucking live! I hate my life! I’ve got nothing and no one to live for! What am I good for! Nothing! I’ll never be good for anything!! Ever!” she screamed back. My heart stopped then. I knew she was in there. With my razors.
“Your parents are the ones that say everything is your fault but they’re wrong. They don’t know you like I know you; they don’t know anything at all!” I was practically on my knees begging, shaking from my nerves and weeping with sorrow.
“I’m sick of my life! I don’t want to live!” she screamed in reply, whispering then just enough for me to hear, “I’m sick of when they tell me that it’s just a phase and that I’ll be okay. That I’m fine and then they go on about how I’m worthless. It’s such a lie. My life is worthless, Eric.”
“Please… just let me in. I’m begging you. I don’t want you to do this. I don’t want you to do it! I can’t let you do this to yourself.” I was begging but she wasn’t listening. I didn’t get a reply, but I heard a smack off the floor that sounded like she’d fallen down. My heard stopped. I frantically began pounding on the door and shaking the doorknob, praying it would open. I backed up and rammed it with my shoulder, forcing it open. It crashed back and the hinges broke but I didn’t give a damn. The door opened onto the most horrifying thing I’d ever seen. Bernie lay, in a growing puddle of blood that was flowing from her wrists, in the middle of my bathroom floor. I dropped to my knees and grabbed her, pulling her into me. She was half conscious. I tied off her wrists with towels and patted her face. I could barely function. I patted her cheek.
“Stay with me… stay with me please… don’t do this…. Don’t leave me…. Please…” I was begging her. This was not what I wanted. I wanted us to grow up together. Grow old. Date. Maybe get married. I’d never told her how much I loved her. How much I wanted all of my days to be spent with her.
‘The night’s so long when everything’s wrong. If you give me your hand I will help you hold on. Tonight, Tonight…’
I called 911 and the ambulance came to take her to the hospital. I couldn’t ride with them. I could barely walk. I called Max and Jordan quickly and they came to get me on their way there. I was still crying pretty hard and I was covered in her blood.
We made it to the hospital about ten minutes later and I was finally able to compose myself. We rushed into the room where they said she’d be when they got done fixing her up and a nurse roamed in, seeming just as worried as we were. She looked around for a minute, sat down a chart and then addressed us.
“She’s lost so much blood.” she whispered, “We need a transfusion but we don’t have the blood she needs.” I shot up in my chair.
“You need O negative don’t you..?” I asked through a rough cracking voice. I was trembling as I looked down at the blood that was drying all over me.
The nurse nodded, “We’ve run out of O negative and positive and we can’t get it here in time. She’ll die.”
“I’m O negative.” I whispered back, “Take all you need.” I said, sitting down in a chair and pulling up my sleeves. Jordan and Max looked at each other through shifty eyes. They both knew very well how much I cared for Bernie. They’d told me on several occasions that something like this was bound to happen. Why hadn’t I listened.
The nurse rushed out and came back with a blood bag. She quickly stuck me with a needle and took 2 pints of blood. I thought maybe I’d become dizzy but she handed me a cookie and some juice, which I ate with bitter taste and heavy heart. As she hurried away Jordan sighed from the corner.
“I’m so sorry, man.” he said, attempting to be comforting. I glanced over and sighed, nodding. Max came over and patted my shoulder.
“She’s gonna make it.” he told me, “She’s strong.”
“Not strong enough to not do this in the first place.” I whispered, feeling my hope being lost along with the blood that the nurse had taken from me. Max sighed and tightened his hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t say that, man. That’s the woman you love.” he started.
“She said she had nothing and no one to live for.” I said, finally letting her words sting my heart. Jordan sighed.
“You didn’t tell her you loved her.” he said more than asked. I shook my head no. Max smacked me upside the back of my head in a second.
“If she said she had nothing to live for why don’t you give her something to live for. Give her a reason to love her life. Give her something great to want to live for. Tell her how you feel.” Max told me with some sort of wise insight I’d never had. He patted my shoulder and then he and Jordan stepped out, leaving me alone. I knew they were going to tell the rest of the team, which should’ve been arriving in the lobby now, what was happening.
I sighed and cried a little more, leaning over in the chair I was sitting in and waiting for her to be brought in to me so that I could tell her everything I’d ever thought. Everything I’d ever felt for her. I must’ve dozed off because when I woke up again the door was opening and she was being wheeled in but it was later in the morning. Light was shining in.
“Bernie..” I began before realizing she was unconscious. I stared up at the nurse and she sighed, patting my arm.
“Your blood saved her life, son.” she whispered, “You are the most selfless man I’ve ever met.”
“T-thank you..” I managed, looking down over her. She looked so fragile. So sick. I took her hand up in mine and kissed it, being careful of her stitches. The nurse walked out to let us be alone and I cried on her, listening to the heart monitor to make sure she was still alive.
Hours passed and then days and soon it had been a week but I hadn’t left. I hadn’t moved once. The nurse brought me food and I stayed quietly at her side, watching her every move. I talked to her a little but mostly stayed quiet. I was praying she pulled through and woke up. All I wanted to do was hold her again and tell her everything I felt for her. I wanted to look into her eyes and see my future one more time. I wanted to give her the kiss I’d been waiting for all my life.
‘This is the last night you’ll spend alone, look me in the eyes so I know you know. I’m everywhere you want me to be. The last night you’ll spend alone, I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go. I’m everything you need me to be. The last night away from me…’
About a week and a half later I watched as she woke up. Her eyes fluttered open and my heart fluttered to a stop. I sighed, smiling widely when she tried to sit up. She was freaking out and I held her down a bit, trying to help her be quiet and calm.
“Bernie, calm down… Calm down… you’re okay.” I whispered, half crying now with joy. She lay back and looked at me.
“I… what did I…. where am….. How did…” she started, confused as to where to start.
“You tried to kill yourself, you’re at the hospital, I brought you here. I gave you blood to keep you alive.” I said, trying to answer all the questions I knew she was going to ask. She calmed down a little and then tears began to crease her cheeks.
The nurse interrupted us in the middle of our moment and came into tell us that she could be released and that she could sign the papers now and be out by noon. She did and quietly, still crying, got up slowly. I helped her get her things and we headed home later that day. She was quiet the whole time, just crying. I hadn’t been home for a week. I hadn’t done anything for a week.
The day was quiet at home as I scrubbed the bathroom down to the sound of Bernie crying in the other room. Finally, later that night, I joined her in my room on the edge of the bed. I put my arm around her and she fell into my side, quivering.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her quietly. She sighed and buried her head in my chest.
“Why did you save me?” she asked in a confused tone. I sighed and kissed the top of her head.
“I saved you because you’re worth giving my life for. You mean more than anything else in the world to me.” I whispered, “You are my life.”
“But I’m not….. I’m not that special…. Not that important….” she tried to convince me. I shook my head no and looked down into her stained red eyes. My peripherals caught sight of her wrists and the bandages and stitches. I cringed.
“You are that important to me. I’ve never found a girl quite this special.” I told her with a smile. She stopped sobbing and wiped her eyes. One final tear fell and I wiped it away, feeling like a failure for not confessing my feelings then.
“I love you, Godsy.” she whispered, leaning into me. I smiled to myself and enjoyed the fact that she was alive for a moment. She fell asleep a few minutes later and I went to get a shower and clean myself up a bit before cuddling up next to her and reveling in the fact that she was in my arms, breathing, living. Thriving.
For the next few weeks we were okay together. She was recovering and we laughed together for a while. I couldn’t help but love her more and more as I began to see the older side of her that I’d fallen in love with in the first place. Her eyes were brighter, her breathing lighter and her sleeping deeper. She’d given up sleeping in her room in favor of sleeping right beside me every night. Said that it made her feel safer. It made my heart race.
Around two weeks later we were talking on the couch and she suddenly looked over at me, serious as a heart attack. The tv was turned off and she sighed, looking down at the wrists that held deep scars. I sighed heavily and watched her for a moment, putting my hand on hers when she didn’t speak for a minute.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, “What are you thinking?”
“You saved my life… and I don’t know how to repay you.” she answered meekly, watching her fingers getting laced up with mine. I smiled and shook my head at her.
“You don’t need to repay me.” I told her, “You just need to live. And that’s enough for me.”
“But you never gave up on me. And you gave up blood to save me. You helped me recover. You let me live here. Why..?” she questioned, eyes finding mine for the first time with innocent and deep rooted curiosity. I felt my heart pounding out of my chest.
“I never gave up on you because you are my best friend. I wouldn’t let you die. I won’t let you say goodbye.” I told her, smiling when the corners of her mouth turned up happily. Her eyes brightened. I felt my heart stopping practically from beating so damn fast. Her face fell again for a second as she found another question.
“Why not…?” I asked, “I’m a no one. I really don’t have a skill or talent…”
“I don’t care about that stuff but,” I began, thoughtful about how to approach this, “But when you said you had nothing and no one to live for. That really hit me hard.”
“Why’s that..?” another question that lead to an end. I sighed and looked down into her eyes again.
“Because I wanted to prove you did have something to live for. Someone to live for. I wanted to prove you have a reason not to kill yourself.”
“What’s the reason…?” she was practically begging for an answer. I leaned closer to her, inhaling her perfume. It had always intoxicated me like no other. I smiled at her and leaned my forehead on hers.
“I’ll be your reason why.” I whispered, “Because I love you so much. I love you like I’ve never loved another. You are amazing.” Her eyes lit up as I drew her closer to me. We were so close and so far away. “I’m you’re reason if you’ll have me.”
“You’re the best reason…” she replied in barely a voice. I drew her even closer until finally our lips met. It was even more amazing than I’d dreamed. For years I’d wanted us to kiss. I’d wished and dreamed and prayed for it. We were in sync and when we broke apart I stared into her eyes.
“Did I prove it?” I asked, staring down into those hazel eyes I’d only just a few weeks ago thought I’d never see again. She smirked a little and stared back at me. She pushed her lips back to mine and that’s when I knew. We pulled away and she smiled for the first time with a real smile.
“Yeah but I have to tell you, Eric…” she started louder, coming closer to me again, “I’ve always loved you.”
“I love you so much.” I told her, pulling her back for another kiss. Finally I felt like everything in my life was fine. She was living with me. We were in love. And my life was amazing.
And even six years later with two kids and our marriage we were still so deeply in love. She was still amazing and I still wanted to kiss her everyday.
‘The last night away from me. Away from me.’
