‘I feel so unsure, As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor….’
“Petite bijou, would you like to dance?” I asked, offering Bernie my hand. She took it and stood, dress falling to where it had been as we’d come in. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. I tried to focus on the dress instead of her hazel green eyes and freshly krimped long dark brown hair. Her dress was black, knee length, with a red ribbon that tied at her back. Under it was a waterfall effect.
Finally, we made it to the dance floor and turned gentle circles. We’d been best friends forever and even prom didn’t change that. We were so close already and I wanted us closer. She leaned her head on my chest as we danced on to a song I wasn’t even listening to. I was much more worried she could hear my heart racing.
I sighed and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head and taking in her perfume. I was gong to miss her so much. I hadn’t told her that I was leaving yet and everyone else just assumed we were going together so it was still a secret. I was going all the way to Phoenix. Bernie’d just been accepted to Pitt.
I tilted her head up and we looked at each other for a minute. I kissed her head and smiled. “You’re so kind.” I said, smiling wider when she looked confused. “For dancing with me.”
“Oh, of course, Godsy. I love dancing with my best friend.” she replied. Her voice was my favorite melody. We’d grown up together. She’d grown into a beautiful, well rounded woman. I’d grown into a man who was hopelessly in love with her.
For a moment we stared into each others eyes and she edged closer. I took my chance, and pushed aside what we’d set down as ‘just friends’ rules as I pressed my lips to hers. It was like an electric shock. We stayed there for a few minutes, enjoying the kiss we’d been waiting for all our lives. Pulling away, her face was pink and I laughed as I heard Joey and Chris cheering. Our other best friends. They knew how much I wanted her, how much I really loved her.
“Sorry, I…” she stammered, trying to explain it away, worried I hadn’t wanted this. I kissed her again to stop her.
“Don’t ever be sorry for kissing me.” I told her. She nodded and I looked into her eyes again. They were bright, probably with the same fire that was burning in mine. A stab of pain. I had to tell her. Surely my eyes had dulled.
‘.. As the music dies, something in your eyes; Calls to mind a silver screen and all those sad goodbyes.’
“Sweetheart, I need to tell you something.” I said as we spun to the last song. She looked attentive. Now was as good a time as ever.
“What, Godsy?” she asked, turning slowly with me. I kissed her head and sighed.
“I got drafted to play for the Coyotes.” I said calmly, holding her hands in mine. Our fingers had been laced but she pulled her away.
“That’s great!” she exclaimed excitedly, “Drafted to play for Phoenix! That’s so amazing! Oh it’ll be strange for you to play in such a warm…” she started, suddenly realizing that me getting drafted meant that I was leaving. Tears filled her eyes and they streaked her cheeks, crystalline and marring.
“When?” she asked, clearly hurt by everything.
“Tomorrow.” I told her, “They’ve got me set up for internet classes so I can play…” she wiped her eyes. I sighed and kissed a tear away as the music ended. I pulled her out of the room and outside into the fresh spring air to the fountain. The mist made the sky even more beautiful.
“Why didn’t you tell me before? How long have you known?” she begged for an answered, any one but the truth.
“I’ve known for a few months. But I just wanted you to be happy. I always want that.” I told her, “You didn’t need to be sad for months.”
“But I would’ve had time to adjust. Time to-” she began before I kissed away a falling tear.
“Just give me one more dance, please. I won’t see you tomorrow. Just one dance.” I asked. She was the girl I’d played cars with, the girl I’d learned to drive with, the girl I’d learned hockey with and the only girl I’d ever danced with. We were so in sync.
She looked up and wiped her eyes, giving me her hand. I took it and we danced slowly together in the silence. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. When I opened my eyes, her head was on my chest and she was more clinging than dancing.
“Baby girl…” I whispered. We stopped dancing and she looked up. I pressed my lips to hers and time stood still. Again and again until she stopped crying. “Goodbye, sweetheart.” I told her, kissing her head before I walked away. I thought I heard her say something to me but I was trying to get away before I started crying. I would miss her with every fiber of my being but this was what was best for my future. I knew she’d understand but that didn’t stop the guilt that was washing over me for leaving her like that.
‘I’m never gonna dance again, Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it’s easy to pretend. I know you’re not a fool. I should have known better than to cheat a friend; And waste the chance that I’d been given, So I’m never gonna dance again; The way I danced with you.’
I sighed and walked behind the bar, pulling out the vodka and jack to prepare for the rush. I’d been living in Pittsburgh now for at least seven years and after college I’d been hard up for a job so I’d ended up here. The tavern. And the only woman working here. It was a crazy job but someone had to do it. I sighed it off and got ready for the rush. The Pens had a game tonight so it’d be crazy in here. Who knew, maybe Max Talbot and Jordan Staal would make a repeat visit if there was a win, as they always did.
I sighed. I wished I could be back at the hospital. I’d worked a shift there tonight as well as come here. Making a living was hard, especially when I was trying to pay off my loans. I started giving drinks five seconds after my shift started and it didn’t slow down until around two when the kids from the game all went home. It was quiet and I took a deep breath, sitting down on the barstool I had behind the counter for just such occasions.
I heard a slow song playing on the radio from the other side of the room and looked up, chin on my arms. I closed my eyes. I’d heard it before. I couldn’t remember where. And then it hit me. Prom night with Eric in Vernon. I’d completely forgotten. And after the memories came back I wished I would’ve left it forgotten. The pain I’d felt that night rushed back like a wave. I missed him unimaginably. I’d dated a few people but no one came close to Eric and we’d never even dated. I regretted not telling him that I loved him.
‘Time can never mend. The careless whispers of a good friend. To the heart and mind, Ignorance is kind.…’
I remembered all those long days on the beach with him, hanging out. All the days under the giant maple tree in my yard eating strawberries and enjoying the sun. I loved him forever. We’d grown so close and yet not so. And when the song faded a little I remembered Eric telling me always that he loved me so much. We would laugh and joke but I’d never taken him seriously. Maybe I should have. Careless little whispers into my ear when we watched movies. I don’t time would ever heal the fact that my heart was still broken by him leaving. And he never called me again that I knew of. It was so sudden and it stung so bad.
I looked up and saw Max strolling in with Jordan and Sidney and someone I’d never seen in here before. I sat up and snapped out of it. All of them had women on their arms and I felt a little left out for not having anyone. Nothing relationship wise worked out very well for me.
“Hey guys.” I called over to them as they came up to the bar. I’d seen Julia, Rachael and Tessa before. They’d all been here with Jordan, Sid and Max before. It seemed like the uncatchable had been caught. The girls seemed like they were a little tireder than usual and like they would leave earlier. The boys were wired. Everyone sat down, including the new kid and his girl. She looked like a bit of a whore but I’d have to find out. I didn’t judge.
“Hey, B.” Max said, giving me a hug over the counter. I got them their usual and looked over at the new kid, who was busy kissing his girlfriend. I rolled my eyes and sat down in front of Maxy and Sid.
“Who’s the new guy?” I asked, looking over at him when the blonde that was straddling his lap got up and gave him one more kiss, leaving just almost as soon as she’d gotten here. I can’t say as I wasn’t happy. No one answered me, they just drank a little and talked for a while. It didn’t bother me. The girls were all talking to the guy that was now alone at the bar. I sat down across the counter and leaned my head down. Twenty minutes later in a daze I heard the girls leave. The guys got louder. Max looked at me.
“The new guy is a Mr. Eric Godard, enforcer.” he said. Shivers up my spine. Pain in my heart. If only the time to see him again, it had to be when he was all over another girl. That hurt.
‘And there’s no comfort in the truth. Pain is all you’ll find.’
The girl across the counter talking to Max looked so familiar and very beautiful. I sighed as I watched Rachael, Tessa and Julia leaving after Macy had. Macy was an on off I had. I hadn’t had a relationship since a long long time ago but when I needed comfort on a lonely night Macy was always there. Max introduced me and I leaned up over the counter, offering the girl my hand. She looked shocked and stared into my eyes. I looked back and saw a sparkle I’d definitely seen before.
“Eric…? You don’t remember me… do you?” she asked, addressing me finally. She laughed off whatever it seemed she was feeling underneath it all and took my hand lightly, “Godsy, you are very forgetful.” It was like a bullet to my forehead.
“Bernie!” I half exclaimed in an excited whisper. I practically jumped up and dove over the counter. Everyone just looked at me with a funny face but Bernie smiled widely when I wrapped my arms around her. “How are you?”
“Could be better.” she said in a melancholy tone. I sighed. I’d missed her and almost forgotten all the time we’d spent together. Playing for Phoenix had gone great and I’d been taken in by the Sharks in San Jose, Islanders in New York, Flames in Calgary and Lightning in Tampa Bay before the Penguins picked me up. And then I remembered just how terrible the night I’d left had been. “How’ve you been?” she asked, voice the same melody I’d been missing. I smiled and sat back down, not bothering to look down the line of confused guys sitting next to me.
“Great. Got a goal tonight for the first time in a long time. It’s been a good start.” I told her with confidence. She smiled back and my heart skipped.
“That’s great.” she said, sounding genuinely happy. It was nice to hear that tone instead of the one that rang in my head every night of my life. We ended up lost in conversation and eventually the guys just left us there. We were alone in the bar for hours catching up… until Macy came back.
“Babyy! Come on!! Dance with me!” she begged. I looked at Bernie and watched her getting further away when Macy dragged me to the empty dance floor. She pulled me close and danced with me but we were out of step. It wasn’t the same as anything I’d ever experienced. She was trying to dance with me and I’d only ever danced with one woman, the same one that was now watching me from behind the bar.
‘I’m never gonna dance again, Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it’s easy to pretend. I know you’re not a fool.’
I danced with Macy for a few minutes until she decided she wanted more. And any other day I would be obliged to give it to her. But today I wanted to talk with my best friend. To catch up on the seven years we’d been apart. To build up broken bridges. To get closer again. I walked to the counter, Macy on my tail, and looked at Bernie. She looked cold to me now, tense. Macy was getting a little more frisky than I would’ve liked and I couldn’t help but feel the need to go with her.
“I’m going to go. I’ll have to come visit you sometime..” I said, being pulled slowly towards the door by Macy. Bernie looked at her, disgusted it seemed, and sighed. She nodded and looked away. I felt my heart crack again. It was the same look that she’d given me when I’d left.
The next morning when I woke up alone in bed I knew that I’d made a terrible mistake. I stared up at the ceiling and felt a throbbing headache coming on. Looking over at the emptiness beside me I suddenly wished I’d stayed at the bar. Maybe the spot beside me would be filled with a woman I loved more than anything else instead of open air. A woman who would help me take care of myself.
The dance with Macy had been a mistake but it had been worth at the time. I hadn’t even gotten her number. Fuck. I’d finally found the girl I loved most and I’d left her for a night that had left me hung over and alone.
I got up and ran my hands through my hair, looking at the floor. My feet touched it and I recoiled. It was so cold. I’d wasted a chance to reconnect with her. I might not ever see her again. I was such a fucking idiot for wasting that opportunity.
‘I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend, And waste the chance that I’d been given. So I’m never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you.’
Weeks passed and life was still melancholy. Macy had left me to go off to New York and Bernie hadn’t been at the bar. I should’ve known. I’d been there every night. It was around May 18th and I felt anxious about the next day. A Saturday. May 19th. Tomorrow was her birthday. I’d never ever forgotten it.
Tomorrow night was also the date of the Pens organization Make a Wish gala. We’d get to see the kids in the afternoon and then have a meeting…. Party… thing after with the organization, family and friends, loved ones and wives, girlfriends, Make a Wish and hospital staff. I’d be alone in all those things again. My family was in the BC and I didn’t have a wife or a girlfriend. I had a love but she’d disappeared.
The day passed slowly and faded to the morning. Again I woke up alone in a cold bed with a heavy heart. Not seeing her again after that one day was ripping me apart. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t think. She was on my mind twenty four hours a day. I’d even had a dream about being back home with her. Back under the maple tree talking about everything and staring into the lake. Back to opening presents under her gram’s Christmas tree. Back in the day when being apart was the worst thing in the world.
I got ready to go and sighed as I walked out the door, leaving Tonka on the couch watching something random on tv. I drove in a haze to the hospital and walked in to the crowd of children, parents, team mates and hospital staff about ten minutes later. I heard a million voice talking at once and looked around. I saw Max and Jordan waving me over so I walked to them. I knew I must not have looked very well but then again, I hadn’t looked well for a while. Maybe I could put it off on the fight I’d had in yesterday’s game. Say it knocked me for a loop. Then again, they all knew perfectly well that I’d seen her again in the bar that night, they knew who she was and damned well knew what she meant to me. There was a picture of her hanging in my locker anyways.
“How’s it going?” Jordan asked, sitting down at a table with me and waiting for a few kids to run over and ask us for autographs and such. I loved kids I just wasn’t up for this. I wasn’t up for much lately.
“It’s going.” I said, running my hands back through my hair and sighing. Max shook his head and patted my shoulder.
“You can’t keep on blaming yourself for wanted a fun night over seeing a girl you haven’t seen for seven years, Godsy. You gotta let it go. You’ll see her again. And hey, if you don’t, you can just go find another girl to love.” he said, “C’est le vie!” I looked up at him like he was a mad man. There was no reason to explain myself to him because he’d never understand but I felt he need to try at least.
“But that was my best friend, Max. I need to go and find her, I need to tell her-” I began, stopping when I felt someone touching my shoulder. I turned around and took in a giant breath that froze my lungs up like a shot of nitro. Standing behind me, scrubs and all, was Bernie, smiling and holding the hand of a little boy with bright blue eyes and light brown hair. I was speechless but Max and Jordan found some words.
“B! How are you this fine day, bijou!” Max shouted, jumping up and hugging her, “And who’s this little one?”
“This is Mikhail and he loves all of you guys. He’s just a little-” she began as Max tried to high five him and ended up hiding behind her legs, “shy.”
“Ahh, well we’re not so scary. Well…. I’m not. And Staalsy’s not… Godsy’s a little frightening.” Max said, offering Mikhail his hand. Mikhail took it and smiled, laughing a little. He was only around four. I smiled and looked up at Bernie as Max lead Mikhail away with Jordan. She sat down next to me.
“Well it’s been a while since I’ve seen you. How’s your girlfriend?” she asked, looking genuinely curious. I smiled falsely and then let it fade, thinking about everything in the last few weeks.
“Left me.” I said, looking into her eyes. They still danced with green hazel color. I looked her over. Her scrubs were covered in the penguins logo and down her sleeves were all the players names and numbers. Mine was shaded with silver embroidery.
“I’m sorry, Godsy.” she said, patting my arm, “you’ll find someone else.”
“Yeah, I hope so…” I trailed off, loving the fact that her hand was on mine, she was sitting with me. She wasn’t just a thought now. She was right there. I was about ready to start saying something else to her when someone called her name. She turned and looked, standing when they waved her over and I stood with her in sync. We looked into each others eyes for a minute and she leaned up, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“Maybe I’ll see you later, Eric.” she said, squeezing my hand before she walked away. I’d never felt a better feeling, although I had noticed that she still looked a little disgusted. Probably bitter about all those years ago or maybe about Macy. Who knew, really. It was just amazing. Now I knew where she was and I knew that I would see her later at the party. This was amazing.
‘Tonight the music seems so loud.’
I walked into the party later that night, adjusting my shirt and looking around. I’d seen Eric today and Sidney and Max had made me come tonight. I guess giving Eric a kiss on the cheek in public had been a mistake. Either way I was here and now I might as well have some fun. I’d worked hard all day. There was no reason I didn’t deserve a drink. I’d even taken the night off at the Tavern anticipating having to go there for the party. Of course Chris had understood and let me have the night off, even though I’d be there.
Sighing as I heard the music pushed up to at least ten on the stereo on the dance floor, I sat down at the bar next to Jordan and Max. They smiled and both gave me a kiss on the cheek. What cards. I smiled and Chris brought me a drink.
“On the house, B.” he said, sliding it to me. I smiled and took a sip of the Jack and Coke I hadn’t had for a while.
“Did you have fun today, Bernie?” Jordan asked, nudging me in the side. I giggled and nodded. Today with the players and kids had been an interesting blend of both of my ‘double lives’ as Max liked to call them.
“By day, you’re a nurse! By night, you’re a bartender!” Max said, raising his glass for a toast, “I love it!”
“Thanks, Maxy.” I said, toasting him. Jordan nudged me in the side and motioned me closer.
“I know someone who loves it more,” he whispered, giving me time to cock an eyebrow before he attempted to speak again. Even before he could I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Eric, standing tall in his always skateresk street clothes. He looked like he wanted to say something but he was holding it in, and I sighed.
‘I wish that we could lose the crowd’
I looked up at him as he sat down next to me where Jordan had been and Jordan slid into a seat next to Max what was unoccupied. They both looked down the bar at us and I sipped my drink, looking over at Eric. He hadn’t changed too much. He made me smile still. I felt a little sick in my stomach letting him become close to me again now after seven years wondering why he hadn’t told me sooner he was leaving.
“You look amazing.” he said, looking me over. I felt comfortable letting his eyes trace the shirt I was wearing. It was black and fairly simple, a few sewn silver patterns on it but nothing too fancy. That was never my style. My jeans were acid washed and pretty simple too. I couldn’t imagine how he thought I looked anything but normal but a compliment was a compliment and I’d take it any day.
“Thanks. See I told you I’d see you again.” I said, patting his arm as I took another sip of my drink. He nodded and smiled, getting a rum and coke from Chris before he looked over at Jordan and Max, who were staring intently at him, as though they knew something I didn’t. He scowled at them and looked melancholy. I felt confused but let it pass. It was pleasant seeing him, no matter how much half anger I still harbored for him leaving so suddenly.
‘Maybe it’d better this way. We’d hurt each other with the things we want to say’
Almost an hour later Max and Jordan had left our company and I was left alone with Bernie for the first time since they’d left the bar a few weeks ago. I wanted so badly to tell her how I felt about her. To just scream it to everyone who’d listen to me. Take her up in my arms and give her a kiss. Pick up where we’d left off. I held back, knowing she seemed a little tense with me.
I looked over at her and stared into her eyes for a minute, smiling when she grinned a catty little smile that almost always meant I was in some sort of trouble. She offered me her hand and stood.
“I believe you owe me a dance.” she said quietly, not bothering to look at me, but instead looking out over the dance floor. It was dimmed pretty far down and there were a few couples out but not many. I smiled and took her hand, letter her lead me down into the dark. We stopped and I felt a sense of euphoria, like we’d never left high school. We were still in step, in beat, in sync. It was so natural to be with her. I’d never felt anything like it.
Halfway through I felt her pull away and she walked with decision away and out a door that was on the other side of the bar. I felt confusion consume me and I followed, walking outside into the air and sitting down next to her on a bench that was outside. She had her head in her hands and she sighed heavily as I sat down next to her. I tried to sit a hand on her but she shrugged me off.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking down at her and trying to catch a glimpse of her face. I saw a tear falling down onto her jeans and turning the acid wash dark. I felt a stabbing pain.
“Every time we dance you disappear. I thought maybe for a change I should disappear.” she said, wiping her eyes and looking up at me with a slight tinge of malice in her eyes. Immediately I knew that waiting to tell her all those years ago had been a bad idea. It had hurt her for so long. I hadn’t wanted that.
“Don’t just leave me like that, Be-” I started. She laughed a harsh laugh and looked away into a street light. It brought out the tears in her eyes.
“Don’t just leave you! Ha! You just left me. Why shouldn’t I?” she asked. I sighed and leaned back on the bench. We could’ve been so perfect for each other so long ago. I could’ve turned down the Coyotes and waited another year to get drafted. I could’ve just stayed and danced with her. I could’ve dated her by now. We could’ve been together.
‘We could have been so good together. We could have lived this dance forever.’
“I know I left you. But I was trying to make sure I didn’t hurt you when I left.” I tried to explain, looking over at her. She was wiping her eyes and she didn’t look anywhere convinced. I put my arm on her wrist and took her hand up in mine, running my fingers over hers. They were shaking.
“It hurt! It fucking hurt! It still does!” she screamed, finally looking at me. “You left me! Of course it was going to hurt! You left me with barely a warning. I didn’t have time to tell you anything. I didn’t have time to say goodbye! I didn’t have time to do anything, Eric!”
I sighed and pulled her closer to me but she resisted. I looked at her for a minute and finally she broke cried some more. I let her go and ran my fingers over hers.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you so much. If I could only tell you how much this whole thing hurt me too.” I told her, kissing her hand, “I never forgot you. I’ve thought about you every day since I left. I’ve had a picture of you hanging in my locker every time I got to a new team. I missed you so much. But if you don’t want me around I’ll leave you alone. I’ll let you do what you want to do and I’ll never bother you again.” It hurt telling her that but I knew I’d do it if she wanted. Me being around wasn’t something I wanted to force on her. Not after so long. She looked even more frightened at the thought of that suggestion.
“Don’t leave again.” she pleaded, looking a little less tense and angry, “For the love of God.”
“I won’t.” I said, leaning back on the bench and feeling her eyes on my face. I looked up at the sky and eventually I saw her leaning back too. I smiled and chuckled a little, seeing her looking at me. “Who’d dance with me then, if I did leave?” I asked, looking over at her. She laughed a little, wiping her eyes on her sleeve but not looking back. She still looked like she was hurting.
I sighed and sat with her for what was forever. Longer than we’d been alone since we’d seen each other. So long that I thought I heard people leaving the party. And finally when I went to stand up she stood with me. I turned to look at her and she offered me a hand. I took it, smiling and turned her in a circle. We danced for a minute and I stared down into the hazel eyes I’d had dreams, fantasies about. My heart raced. I kissed her head when she laid it in my chest.
“I never got to tell you something… when you left.” she told me, feeling my pulse racing.
“I never told you something either.” I said, pulling her closer. She sighed.
“You first.” she offered, looking up at me. I smiled and looked away, over her to the sky and all the stars I could see in the distance. My heart almost stopped.
“All my life I’ve been friends with you and all my life I’ve felt like there was something about you that was different. And when we danced at prom I knew that the thing that I felt was the funny flutter in my chest. It was a hawk dancing in my stomach. And then I knew something.” I said, looking down at her and leaning my forehead on hers. We were so close I would’ve been surprised if you could’ve slid a piece of paper between us.
“That was…?” she whispered, looking up at me with still watery eyes. I smiled as we rocked back and forth.
“I knew then that I loved you like no other I’d ever met before and no one that I’d meet after.” I told her, pressing my lips to hers. I’d never felt fireworks like the ones I was feeling that minute. It was the most amazing thing in the world. The greatest feeling I’d ever had.
‘But now who’s gonna dance with me..?’
I pulled away from Eric and sighed, looking up into his eyes. He smiled back at me and leaned his forehead on mine. I’d never heard my heart pounding so fast. Seven years of wondering what he’d been thinking when he’d left. Seven years of not knowing why he’d done it. Seven years of waiting to hear from him, to see him. All of it was patched with that kiss. I felt scared as he pulled back from me, and turned, trying to pull me with him. I pulled him back.
He half turned and looked at me, confused and a bit hazy I could tell. I let go of his hands and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“I still need to tell you what I never did.” I told him, staring up into the fire that was now burning in his eyes. The fire I hadn’t seen in the last time I’d seen him around.
“What’s that?” he asked, looking down at me.
“I love you.” I whispered. He kissed me again, arms around my waist with more happiness than he’d had before. When he pulled away this time he let go of me and tried to walk away. I felt confused. I knew he wasn’t trying to leave again but I still felt scared. The same fear from that night seeped into me. I pulled him back by his sleeve and he turned again.
‘Please stay!’
“Don’t leave.” she said, looking up into my eyes. I sighed and came back to her. I’d intended only to go back inside because I was feeling a bit like I might need a reality check after admitting to the girl I loved most that I felt the way I did and having her return the favor. I smiled and looked down at her, leaning my forehead on hers and kissing her for a second.
“I won’t ever leave you again.” I told her, “I left once and that’s enough for forever.” and when my lips met hers again I knew that I was serious. I knew that seven years from now I’d be kissing her before games. Seven years from now I’d be this in love. Seven years from now that I’d never let her leave my side.
And seven years from then, I was right. The ring on her finger said so.
