“RenRen! I said I was sorry! I swear I didn’t mean it!” Jordan yelled after me as I ran away down the street. I wasn’t in the mood for his antics today. It was the anniversary of my brother’s death and he was making sarcastic jokes about wishing his own brother was dead. It struck a wounded cord.
I didn’t stop when I heard his calls on my phone or when he came to my door and I slammed it in his face. He’d done one too many things to me. In all my sixteen years, this was the last straw. I was moving tomorrow. I’d been meaning to tell him tonight, have one last horrah. Not anymore. It was a chance to start over. To forget…
I drove towards work feeling a little melancholy. Stopping at the first red light on my way, I looked up over Mario Lemieux place and then away. I wouldn’t get to see the game today. What good were season tickets if I never got to go?
I parked my car in the lot next to Primanti Brothers and got out, sighing heavily as the thoughts of home came back to me again. Memories were flooding my mind lately. Mom’d called me yesterday to tell me that a lake I’d loved as a child, Thunder lake, had been closed down. I’d been gone now for three years. So much had changed.
I headed for the door and to work, doing my job without complaint. Hurriedly making sandwiches for the ‘pre-pens’ rush I felt a little twinge of anger. Distain for all those who could go tonight. I tried to focus as my shift ended and I headed for a time out at the Towne Tavern. Alcohol seemed to make any problems; everything better.
Sitting alone at the bar I listened as ten o clock rolled around. Everyone from the Mellon would be headed this way soon. I hadn’t seen the game or the score but judging by the way the first few Pens fans were throwing them back I’d say we’d won. By a long shot.
Downing my first rum and coke I turned towards the floor. Seats everywhere were filled and the waitresses were going mad. All the crazy whores had disappeared upstairs to dance with men who only wanted laid. It was sort of peaceful.
“Want another miss? S’on the house.” the bar keep asked, honey golden eyes shining in the lights. I could’ve laughed. I almost wanted to tell him I was underage. Almost.
“Jack and Coke this time, thanks. Rum’s not my forté.” my voice was starting to sound foreign. I was going to be drunk in the morning. I didn’t care. Sipping on my Jack was all I needed after work.
The alcohol was slowly but surely taking effect and as the time went by I somehow managed to meet up with a kid who frequented the shop. He was famous all over Pittsburgh, especially on a night like this one. His name was Marc-Andre Fleury.
“Come up and dance with me, bijou.” he asked, offering me his hand. I took it and he pulled me off to the dance floor. A slow song played first and his hands found my hips. Eventually the flow of questions came, as it always did. I’d become good at dodging. “So why’re you here by yourself? I’m sure you get offers.”
“Just don’t like to date much.” I said easily, not meeting his hazel eyes for fear that he’d see through my lies. Jordan had ruined that for me. I’d not been able to date since leaving Ontario. Three years was a long time to be alone.
“You sound a lot like a friend of mine,” he laughed, chuckle reverberating in my head for a moment.
“Yeah?” I questioned, half interested and half hoping he would let it go. I watching him nod, eyes tracing my face for something he seemed to not be finding.
“Maybe you know him, Bernadette,” he started, waiting for a subtle raise of my eyebrows to continue, “Jordan Staal?”
I stopped dead. I hadn’t heard his name from someone else since I moved away from Thunder Bay. I knew his brothers had made NHL but I wasn’t informed of Jordan breaking in. Let alone here, in my home town. I’d left without telling him from Ontario, without leaving a number. I thought I’d forgotten him. We’d been best friends. Been.
“Your eyes change colors when you’re frantic.” Marc whispered, seeming to sense that I was frightened. Even a little taken aback. His voice brought me out of the icy grip his name had put me in.
“Sorry. I just, I was trying to remember who that was.” I said hurriedly, covering my tracks as best as I could. He looked like he didn’t believe me for a moment but one bat of my hazel eyes was enough to convince him. Thank God my hair was hiding my thoughts.
“Ah. I could introduce you?” he offered. I felt a sudden urge to run but couldn’t just bolt away from Marc. He was just trying to be courteous.
“That’s okay. Hey, I think I’m going to leave. I have to work early tomorrow. See you around?” I asked, attempting to get away from him working as well as it had when I was sixteen.
“A demain, bijou.” he called as I frantically left with no other good reasons or goodbyes. He seemed unphased, as if he knew something I didn’t.
“Miss!” the barkeep called, “Your jacket!”
“Oh, thanks.” I said, pausing to get my black and blue striped hoodie. I’d brought it from Thunder Bay. It was that little piece of home that kept me going. Big mistake.
I turned without looking and bumped into a blonde haired blue eyed blast from the past. We both stopped, surprised and completely taken aback from the whole thing. Staring into each others eyes I was unsure of what he was seeing in me. He’d always read my thoughts. Seen my soul. I saw the innocent, sweet, level headed boy who’d kept me sane as a kid. I saw an old flame or maybe a cold ember. I saw my old friend. I saw Jordan Staal.
“RenRen?” he breathed, taking me in. I looked a lot different than I had in Thunder Bay. But hearing that name brought me back. No one had called me by that name for a long time. Given to me because of my love of Wrens, only a few people who were close even knew. I was so different. I’d grown taller, 5’5”, my hair was dark brown and mid back, accenting my normally hazel green eyes. More important, I’d grown into my curves.
“Uhh… no.” I said quickly, pushing past him and leaving. It was too late, though. I’d been caught. My voice hadn’t changed. And even if I sounded different, he’d recognize my jacket. After all, he’d gotten it for me for Christmas.
For the next week I lived in fear, driving to work, the tavern and home quickly. I didn’t take my time as I usually did. No leisure. As three weeks passed I felt more safe and relaxed, calling Marc and going to a movie with him, Geno and Sidney. My birthday was coming up in a week. I’d be nineteen.
And it couldn’t have come faster than I thought it would. Marc and I were close now and talked everyday, earning the attention of my bosses and the admiration of other regulars. Not once did he mention Jordan, to my pleasant surprise. The night fell over October 31st and Marc threw me a party. I danced and laughed and drank though I was still underage. The night faded and eventually the party goers left, allowing me to clean up. Marc had gone out for my present and when the door was knocked on I didn’t think twice about opening it. No hesitation.
I froze. There, in the cold rain stood a soaking wet Jordan Staal. I glanced back over his shoulder and through the sheets of rain I saw Marc’s car pulling out of my drive. Son of a Bitch.
For a second he stared me down. A piercing moment that he’d peered into my soul and the deepest realms of my mind. In that second I faltered. Not a moment later I was in his arms, engulfed by the smoke from a fire now burning white hot. “RenRen, I missed you.” he whispered.
“There’s a reason I left without warning.” I spat icily. He pulled away, tears slowly building in his still beautiful blue eyes. Now he was getting the point of it all. The point I’d always hoped he’d gotten in the first place.
“I always wondered where you were or what happened to you. And all this time you’ve forgotten about me. Happy fucking birthday.” he said, throwing down a box with a black and orange bow and running back down my drive.
Returning to the living room from the cold of my doorway I gingerly opened the sopping wet box. Tears came instantly. Inside sat a stuffed penguin I’d had as a girl, Sarge. Jordan had thrown it on top of his hay loft and we’d never gotten him back. Around it’s neck hung a silver chain with a heart shaped locket attached. I opened it and shook with tears and shivers as I looked at the pictures of our families. I’d thrown it back at him my last night in Ontario.
Rummaging deeper I came across a note and some photos fell out. A photo strip that was bright and familiar from my thirteenth birthday caught my attention. The first one was normal, just us together. The second looked kind of like a rave party. The third was one of us fighting. I remembered that he’d wanted to do a goofy one and I hadn’t. The fourth was a snapshot of our warming first kiss. We’d been fighting and I’d hit him in the head. He’d complained and we’d laughed but turned to see we were too close. Just in time to kiss before the snapshot. My heart was pounding.
I dropped the photo strip and read the note, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. Jordan’s handwriting was beautiful.
‘Ren Ren,
I don’t know where you are. I’m really sorry for saying it. I didn’t know it’d hurt you.
Love,
Jordy.’
I was already prepared to start crying when I noticed the dated additions. They were from all different years. Tears were flowing now.
‘10/29/04 Two days till your birthday. I still miss you. God I wish you’d stayed. Still love you.
8/27/05 You’re still on my mind. Can’t sleep without wondering if it’s my fault you went away. Found Sarge today. I’ll keep him for you. I know he meant a lot to you. Cleaned him off and sowed him back together.
1/14/06 I can sleep now, Ren. I still think about you all the time. Marc and Eric told me I should get over you. They set up a date for me but I ditched. Still in love with you. Look at your pictures sometimes. They make me feel a little better. That photostrip is still in my wallet.
5/6/07 I had a dream about you last night. I miss you a lot, still. I know it’s only been… wow, three years. I can’t believe you’ve been gone so long. Dated a girl but it didn’t work out. I might have to give you up. I keep your necklace around for luck, though. I got drafted. Miss and love you.
10/3/07 Saw you today and realized that I’d never love anyone else. You’re so damned beautiful. I’m so glad I found you. There’s so much I have to tell you, so much I have to say. I hope you can forgive me. Forever.’
Under that I could barely make out a phone number and address. I wiped my eyes and read the wet numbers. 572-6954. And his address, 2758 Laskin drive. He’d been three blocks away from me this whole time. I felt inferior.
I picked up the necklace and put it on quickly as I had when I was a child. Glancing down at the photo strip that was peaking out of my wallet. It’d been there all this time too, just as it had in Jordan’s.
Dashing out into the pouring rain I ran up the block in the direction of Jordan’s house, seeing his shaking form on the sidewalk in front of me. He was on his knees, staring at the sky with what seemed like malice. I walked up slowly behind him, listening to his shaking voice.
“All this time I waited for her. All this time I was in love and I wanted her. Three years and this is what I get? Why can’t I do anything right?! I said the wrong thing and she’ll never forgive me.” he said, running his hands through his hair. I was crying harder now, feeling my heart strings pulling. “Never ever.” he whispered again. I came around to him, knowing that his head was in his hands and dropped down to my knees on the sidewalk.
I pulled his hands away from his face and his eyes were immediately locked to mine. I knew he couldn’t make out whether I was crying or it was just the rain, though I knew that even if unsure he’d assume it was rain now. I wanted to pull him into my arms and hold him forever, watching his eyes searching me over and trying to pull some little piece of himself back. I wanted to hold him close. To never let go again.
Leaning my head on his, the rain pounded the sidewalk beside us. He stared into my eyes, icy pools now turned red from crying. I couldn’t hear anything beside his breathing, watching his mind turning over as he tried to figure me out. He never could though I knew that he was now noticing the tears flowing down my cheeks in a non breaking line.
“RenRen,” he whispered shakily. I pushed my fingers through his, holding my connection with his eyes. It was beautiful to hear him calling me that name.
“No one’s called me that since I was sixteen. Bernie and Bernadette. RenRen was a long time ago.” I started, watching his eyes dancing with life as he found the hope he’d been looking for. I was talking to him now and he was feeling that jump start he’d been hoping for in my doorway. I watched him glance down and a small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth as he found the locket, secured around my neck as it always should’ve been.
“You were always my RenRen.” he breathed, tightening his slacked grip on my hands. I felt my heart pounding out of my chest with excitement. Adrenaline.
“And you were always my Jordy Staal.” I answered, letting my eyes falter and become softer, watching him. Finally a beautiful smile but it faded as he thought.
“I still love you,” he was still crying hard, “I’m still in love with you.”
“I forgive you.” was my only answer. I could think of nothing else as my mind started racing.
“You grew up, Ren. You’ve changed a lot. You’re beautiful.” his tears were still falling hard, hair tangling with mine in the rain. His eyes were half closed and he stared into my soul with unwavering sincerity. He’d pierced my shield and gotten in the back door, as he always had. He knew I wouldn’t push him away. I realized then that I’d made a huge mistake in my life. Jordan had been sorry. I’d hurt him so badly. Three years he’d spent wondering. I pulled my hands away from his and slid them around his neck, hugging him for the most enjoyable moment of my life. “I missed you so much.” he managed through a cracking voice. A pang of heartache.
“I didn’t miss you, Jordy.” I said softly, almost hearing him holding his breath, “I loved you.”
My voice disappeared as his held breath was let go and my lips met his lightly. His arms closed around me like a cage and my heart started racing as he pushed his lips harder to mine, enough to drive his point home. He was still in love. He loved me. This was the feeling that I’d been missing. The one I couldn’t bring from home. That feeling that’d been gone from my life. The butterflies invading my stomach. I never wanted him to stop, even in the pouring rain. We had three years to make up for after all. And for the first time in my life, I was looking forward to it.
